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Survivor: EPISODE 2

SURVIVOR EPISODE 2: NOVEMBER 8, 2001

SCHROTH'S:
UCONN:
URI:
N'EASTERN:

PREVIOUS EPISODES:
-Survivor Preview
-Episode 1 (Lasertag)

by Dave Leighton
[Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" kicks on as the Survivor: The New England Outback logo comes up onto the screen. All the player's names and pictures are flashed after that. As the intro concludes, Mr. Bobby Guerin is sitting at the tribal counsel area with all members.]

Mr. Guerin: Welcome back to Survivor: The New England Outback for episode Two. I’m Bobby Guerin. Well, we’re all gathered here back at the tribal counsel to announce the voting results from last weeks vote. Before I announce who will be leaving New England, I’ll be asking a few questions from the tribal members
Pike: I do!
Mr. Guerin: I didn’t ask you if you wanted to marry me; I am already married. And God save me– I would never ask you to marry me.

Silence follows, and nobody knows how to react.

Leighton: (In Mr. Corbett voice) Right.
Mr. Guerin: As I was saying, I will be asking a few members of the tribes about their experience, and whom they may have voted for. Now Christian, I noticed there was a little bit of tension between you and Alicia last week. Can you tell me a little bit about that?
Christian: Well, there’s nothing really to say, I mean she’s a bitch sometimes and she’s nice sometimes. Sometimes she just got a pole up her ass.
Alicia: Newsflash: The imaginary pole I’ve got up my ass is about 4 times bigger than that pencil between your legs. And don’t talk back to me, young man!
Christian: Alicia I was just saying, sometime-----
Alicia: That’s it; you’ve lost your masturbation privileges!
Christian: Alright you know what, I need a little time alone
Mr. Guerin: Okay, well let’s move on a little bit. Jimmy, during the immunity challenge, you said, “Jimmy thinks we’re going to lose because there are too many girls on our team.” What exactly did this mean, and how did the girls on your team feel about it?
Jimmy: That’s right, Jimmy did say that. And Jimmy doesn’t care. The girls feel fine about it because they adore Jimmy.
Mr. Guerin: I think Jimmy’s drunk
Jodi: I was a little pissed at Jimmy, I mean –
Mr. Guerin: I’m sorry Jodi, we’re only accepting intelligent responses right now. One last question: Pete, it was noted last episode that there are no girls in your tribe, how does that make you feel?
Pete: What the hell is that supposed to mean *POOF!*
Mr. Guerin: You realize how ridiculous you look when you do that? Are you French, or retarded?
Pete: Just because I had Cop Porn on my computer doesn’t mean I’m gay!
Jeff: Pete said he wanted to see my penis!
CDep: You didn’t give him an option- you just whipped it out.
Mr. Guerin: Okay, in non-genital related news, I have the results from last weeks voting. Each member who has been voted out will bring their whiffleball bat forth, where I will tape it, thus making it a “homo bat,” and unsuitable for play here in New England. From the Scroth Tribe…Chris Scroth. Chris, bring your bat to my throne.
Chris: Are you serious, it’s my own house, wtf! I refuse to leave. I’m not going, I’m staying here.
Mr. Guerin: Chris, I’m sorry, but the rules of the game are the rules. Please come forward.
Chris: What the hell is that, I mean I do everything there! So I still live there while the game continues, no. I’m not leaving.
Mr. Guerin: I feel like I want to punch you.
Alicia: Oh just let him stay, we can all be peaceful here.
Christian: No, he can’t stay, what the hell, if you’re off, you’re off!
Alicia: How would you know, you don’t know the first thing about getting people off…
Mr. Guerin: If you two fight one more time in my presence, I’ll have Toni take care of you.
James: Yeah, Toni Guerin!
Everyone: Shut up James!
Mr. Guerin: Shut up James. Okay, I suppose you can stay here, but you’re not a part of the tribal counsel, and you don’t matter anymore. Okay, moving on. From the URI Tribe, the votes have been cast in the direction of Chris Nash. Chris, please bring your bat forward.
CNash: Not my limited edition Jabba the Hut StarBat!
Mr. Guerin: In case anyone else feels like resisting, I have a Glock 18 with me, and I will kill you.
Leighton: Is that the FBI standard issue semi-automatic?
Mr. Guerin: That’s right, 9mm parabellum, .9 kilogram weighted with 475 joules of Muzzle energy Leighton: Personally I prefer the Fabrique National Five-Seven, with has a caliber of 5.7 x 28mm, a loaded weight of .618 kilograms, a 20 round clip, and 465 joules of Muzzle energy.
CDep: That’s a little shady
Mr. Guerin: Chris, bring you bat forward
CNash: Well, okay, I guess I’ll be leaving now
Cricket sounds. Chris proceeds to get his bat taped, and leaves off into wherever it is those people go.
Schroth: Conformist!
Mr. Guerin: This brings us to our last loser of the round. Since the UConn tribe got immunity, the last one to be kicked out this week comes from the Northeastern tribe. It’s no secret this time. Pete, please bring your bat here.

Pete gives Mr. Guerin the stare.

Mr. Guerin: Boy, you give me that stare much longer, and I’ll rip your eyes out of their sockets and stuff them back into place through your ears.
Pete: I’ll get all of you, I swear, all of you! Hear me now- I will return, and you all will suffer! (Trips over piece of wood) Dammnit!
Mr. Guerin: Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, I will see you in a few days for the immunity challenge. You will be brought to an unknown location to complete an unknown task. Good luck this week, and goodbye.

All tribes leave the counsel and return to their respective tribal areas by vehicle, except for Schroth, who remains at the counsel area. The cameras open up at Schroth’s house, where it focuses on Jimmy, in the hot tub, with girls all around.

Jimmy: Jimmy’s a badass mofo. Look at Jimmy- nobody can touch Jimmy. One less man here means Jimmy mops up the mess. C’mon ladies, show Jimmy the love.
Larrissa: How about I break Jimmy’s arm, bitch!
Jimmy: Oooh baby….Jimmy like.
Michelle: Oh, I like hot tubs. I can get us some food and a movie if you guys want. I think the football game is on.
Jodi: Is that the team with Scoring Drive on it?
Christian: Jodi I liked you a lot more before we stopped making out
Larrissa: What, I wasn’t good enough for you either!?
Alicia: Christian, consider it over
Christian: Dammnit!
Alli: I thought you guys weren’t…
Christian: Well we we’re
Alicia: But now we’re not!
Michelle: Guys, guys, lets just try to take it easy, we don’t need to fight.
Alli: She’s right, we’re not going to win anything by getting angry with each other.
Larrissa: Damn right, cause if we faught, I’d kick everyone’s ass.
Jimmy: Jimmy finds that attractive
Christian: I wrote a new poem. It’s called Now that Chris isn’t here we need to find food and money: A ballad to Alicia the whore.
Larrissa: Okay, what exactly is going on between you two?
Alicia: Nothing. Christian, I’m sorry, lets be friends
Christian: Being friends means I have to like you, so…. No.
Alli: Fine, but we’re not going to the immunity challenge until you guys sort out everything
Larrissa: That’s the smartest freaking thing I’ve ever heard
Jimmy: Jimmy says Z(s/Öh)=c. Jimmy thinks that’s the smartest thing you’ve ever heard.
Jodi: Christian, can you fix this thing with you and Alicia so we can go, please?
Christian: I don’t have a problem, she has a problem.
Jimmy: Jimmy thinks Dave and Chris should make Jodi look stupid.
Dave and Chris’s voice Alright, we’ll see what we can do.
Jodi: Christian, I know what we can do. If you just pretend like Alicia doesn’t bother you, she won’t, and then everything will be okay.
Christian: That won’t work, because I used to pretend you were intelligent.
Jimmy: Thanks Guys.
Alli: Look, can you guys just apologize and move on? We need to go the counsel.
Jimmy: Jimmy also thinks that Chris and Dave need to stop making him talk in the third person and act so contrary to his personality.
Jodi: Well I guess we’re just going to have to wait for Christian to get himself together…

Cameras change scenes and go to the UConn tribe, where the members are playing whiffleball with Tully at bat.

Mr. T: Strike One!
Tully: Excuse me bald fat man, but where exactly is the strike zone?
Mr. T: You better get out of my face.

Q throws the next pitch, which Ryan hits for a homerun

Tully: I’m sorry Q, but shouldn’t a good Polish Roman Catholic like you be trying to keep the atheist German like me from crushing your balls?
Pike: Guys it’s really cold out, can we go inside?
Begin: Yeah, somebody is going to get sick, we need to stay healthy.
Mr. T: A real man would be wearing a t-shirt right now.
Tommy: You aren’t wearing a shirt.
Begin: That’s why I’m going blind.
Pat: Nomar!!
Seth: Yeah, we need to go inside, it’s ah..asjr..duenm…sdfjwn..fdisn
Tully: You trail off and mumble every time you speak, and nobody can ever tell what you say.
Seth: Anti-Semite!
Tully: …Jew.
Pike: Q can we go back to your room?
Begin: God, North is such a dump!
Q: Shit, I locked my keys inside the room. I need to go to the hall directors office to get it.
Tommy: That’s okay, we’ll just develop hypothermia before you get back.
Tully: Only an Eastern European.

Cameras go to Northeastern University, where Chris is smashing his cell-phone to bits.

CDep: This thing is garbage! (voice crack) Garbage!
Andy: (In French Accent) Hugh Huhn! Your cell-phone is no match for the Bismarck!
James: Yeah right, that ship was a piece of crap. You and Dave stood no chance against us with the tape balls.
CDep: Actually, I thought it was a well-engineered scaffolding-ship
Dan: I saw pictures, it was pretty nice
Andy: (In accent)Yes, your weapons were no match for our superior ship!
James: Yeah, that was an awesome ship
CDep: You just said you didn’t like it
James: No, No, I said it wasn’t what I thought it would be, it was awesome.
Dan: Okay James.
Andy: Alright, well I’ve got an idea for us. There’s a carnival in Boston tonight, and we can go there and make money for the tribe. There are plenty of games where if you will they pay back price and a half.
Alan: Lets do this shit.

Cameras re-focus at the carnival, where all members are playing different games. Then everyone except for Nate converge over to James, who is playing a dart throwing game James: I’ve made over 80 dollars for the tribe—that’s food for a week!
Alan: I bet with eighty dollars you could buy enough Ramen to flood New Orleans.
Jeff: Either than or a whole lot of cheap porn. Anyone want to see Mr. Itchy?
Dan: I’m going to say no.
Andy: Good Job James, you’ve hooked up the whole tribe this week. Lets get going.

Camera swivels over to concession stand, where Nate is talking to vendor

Nate: Okay, so what you’re saying is you don’t have any cups, and there are no ping pong balls here?

Back to James, etc.

James: I can get more than eighty, this is easy.
CDep: Dude, don’t waste it, lets go
James: I can do this, I can do anything
Dan: You can’t beat me in racquetball.
James: (talking to game operator) I’m putting down everything. I want the million dollars.
Operator: You can only go for $120, and that means you need to hit this balloon at 60 meters with 3 tries
James Give me the freaking darts

James misses on the first two tries by about 12 meters

Dan: Ugghh, James we can’t lose this money
James: I can do this. I can do this.
CDep: Give me the dart.

Chris takes the dart, and throws it directly into the vendor’s eye.

Jeff: Quick grab the money and lets go!
Andy: Good thing Chris bailed us out of this one!
Jeff: This reminds me of going to Daddy’s with Dave and Mike.
Alan: Boo-Yah! Lets grab the money and go!
Nate: (Dropping ping pong balls and cups) Shit shit wait for me!

Northeastern Tribe runs back to their cars and drive back, unscathed, but a close one. The cameras now take the viewers to the last tribe, the URI tribe, where the team is watching Return of the Living Dead in Mike’s dorm room.

Dunn I need to ah, go to the bathroom, ahhhhh, yes.
Shelley: He’s so funny
Caitlin: I think he’s cute… real cute.
Travis:Shhh Caitlin I’m trying to watch the movie
Leighton: Hey, it’s the “send more Cops” part!
Ham: Wait, I don’t get it, why do they want to eat the cops?
Nash: Because they’re Zombies, that’s what they do. SHH here it comes
Ham: Yeah but what does it mean, I mean why?
Shelley: He’s so funny
Nash No he’s not, he’s being dumb…dumb!
Travis: Guys we’re missing it!
Shelley: Travis, you’re so cute
Leighton: Shell, you never have anything negative to say about anyone…I like that
Shelly: Thanks Dave, you’re so cute
Leighton: Of course, when you say the same thing to everyone, it sort of loses its merit.
Caitlin Guys, we missed the whole part because we were arguing, lets just have a good time.

Commercial break in the movie

Leighton and Nash: Commercial!!!

Mike and Dave break out their band equipment, and do a heavy cover of “Wouldn’t it be Nice” by the Beach Boys. Over the noise, there is a loud banging, and a moaning coming from the bathroom door.

Caitlin: Oh God, what if it’s a zombie looking for brains?
Shelley: Oh, Zombies are so cute
Travis: I can run in circles and tire it out.
Ham: I still don’t get it. If the zombie wants brains, why would he…what the…urrgghh
Leighton: I’ve got an idea. Mike, you take this axe and stand in front of the door. Now, when I open the door and it comes out, you brain it with that axe!
Caitlin: Do we have to be violent?
Leighton: Violent? This isn’t violent. A rabid wolverine that’s been stuck in a heating duct for a year is violent. This is for everyone’s safety.
Nash: Man that thing would be pissed!

(Dave opens the door) As door opens, everyone finds out what the monster is. Drew is sitting with Dave’s laptop looking at Pete’s Cop Porn and whacking. Everyone turns and looks away, going back into living room.

Andy: Ahhh, Ahhh, I was making a protein supplement for myself…ahhh..
Ham: Zombies eat protein? I don’t get it. What is that supposed to mean?
Nash: In my bathroom, what the hell is that!?
Andy: Guns and Roses?
Nash: Nope, not even Axl can get you out of this one

Cameras exit out, and then refocus back on the location of the immunity challenge. All tribes are present, except for the Schroth tribe.

Mr. Guerin: Well, it’s time for the immunity challenge. I guess you’re wondering why I brought you to this empty parking lot. Well, to be totally honest, I got really, really high with Toni a few days ago, and now I have no idea where she is, and I’m here. I don’t have any “real challenge” this week per se, but I did come up with a makeshift challenge. Now, since I don’t know where I am and I don’t have any money, the first team to break into that gray BMW with this lead pipe and steal me enough money to get home wins. Each team should choose one member to compete.
Mr. T Let’s do it
Shelly: Mike, you’re so strong, and funny, and cute, you do it
Leighton: Go for it bro
Nash: Alright, let’s do this shit
Mr. Guerin: Northeastern, who will it be?
Andy We’re going with Alan.
CDep: He’s a freaking maniac
Alan: Why are you guys always picking me?
Mr. Guerin: Well, we’re all set to start. Now, I have found a few more items to aide the competitors. Alan, you’ll be using the lead pipe. Mike, you will have a brick. Mr. T, you will be using Weight-Loss Pro ® 3000. Are there any questions, except from Henry, who will just get us all confused and frustrated… Good. Ready…Set…GO!

Alan immediately clubs Mike in the stomach with the pipe, and Mike goes down. Mr. T begins to slug the weight-loss solution, while Alan runs up to the car. In the mean-time, Caitlin has grabbed the brick from mike and is running at Alan, who has now beat the owners of the car to death, in addition to three law enforcement officials who have rushed to the scene. Caitlin grabs the wallets of the downed men whilst Alan continues to swing wildly and blindly at foes who do not exist. Meanwhile, Mr. T is receiving mouth-to-mouth recessitation from the EMT on hand, Jess Pike.

Leighton: Whoa shit, that wasn’t Weight-Loss® Pro 3000, that was bleach!
Mr. Guerin: Money, people, Money, I hear sirens!
Dan: Well who wins?
Andy: We win, Alan clubbed the shit out of everthing…I told you he was crazy.
Travis: Yeah, but our team has the money for Mr. Guerin
Mr. Guerin: Uh, due to medical circumstances, I’m going to grant immunity to the UConn Tribe
Shelly: DAD!
Mr. Guerin: Sorry honey, that’s just the way things go.. it’s about time you learn that
Henry: Who’s learning? What? …I don’t get it.

Police Sirens sound; getting closer
Mr. Guerin: Okay, well that’s all the time for this week. Members, it’s time to cast your votes when you get back to the tribal cousel, except for UConn. Good God where’s the money, I need to get out of here. Good luck everybody, and somebody pick up Mike. Until next week!

Tribes are seen scrambling from the scene as police lights become visible. Show fades out.

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