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Survivor: EPISODE 1

SURVIVOR EPISODE 1: NOVEMBER 1, 2001

SCHROTH'S:
UCONN:
URI:
N'EASTERN:

PREVIOUS EPISODES:
-Survivor Preview

[Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" kicks on as the Survivor: The New England Outback logo comes up onto the screen. All the player's names and pictures are flashed after that. As the intro concludes, Mr. Bobby Guerin is walking in the middle of a concret floor in some arena.]

Mr. Guerin: Welcome everyone, to Survivor. In this game you must outwit, outperform, and ultimately outlast your opponents. In this case, you will have 31 of those opponents, all bent on your removal from the tribe. We have four tribes located at Schroth's house in Ellington, the University of Connecticut in Storrs, the University of Rhode Island in Kingston, and Northeastern University in Boston. Each tribe is made up of 8 members, and will be competing together for 8 weeks as they attempt to gain immunity from being forced to vote members out of their own tribe, and earn rewards that will help them survive in the treacherous New England autumn. The changing colors of the trees may distract the players, windy conditions could pose health problems, like wind burn on noses, and what happens when the snow falls? Only time will tell...welcome to SURVIVOR!

[The tribes are all seen walking in slow motion down the streets of some unknown city...except for the NU tribe which is in regular motion, except all the guys are trying to purposely walk in exaggerated slow motion. James is seen with a look of agony on his face, Jeff is slapping Andy's ass, and Alan is poking Pete in the side of the head. All the contestants meet on a set of stairs out in front of a large complex.]

Mr. Guerin: Contestants, welcome to Survivor. Your first mission in New England is to bring your tribes back to your respective camps, where you'll be staying for the next 8 weeks. We decided to start you out in a central place, which is one of the most barren, underdeveloped, and lonely places on earth: the Hartford Civic Center Mall. This mall features more empty storefronts than the Whalers won games in an average season, and at last count, 7 people have purchased items in here this year. With the busy holiday season approaching, the mall anticipates that possibly double that amount of people will shop here next month. You all have your own vehicles, you're on your own for directions, good luck.

Nash: Shotgun!
Leighton: Lishen! (grabs Nash's shirt) I've had enough, of your crap!
Travis: Nash, aren't you driving?
Q: Mike, you bashed the lamp.

[All the people disperse from the steps and into their cars. Schroth's tribe hops into his big blue van which doesn't have any seats in the back. Everyone calls shotgun, and there is a large tussle for the front seat. Chris gets pisses and rips the front passenger seat out so there are no seats in the whole van except for the driver's.]

[The Uconn Tribe is having a little difficulty with their car situation...]

Tommy: So Q, how are we getting back to your dorm?
Q: Well, I have the Pulsar, but I only have room for one other person.
Tully: Dammnit Q, so how does your Polish little mind figure we're going to get everyone to UConn?
Mr. T.: Everyone can hop into the bed of my truck.
Begin: I don't really feel like going.
Q: So who's coming with me?
Seth: I don't want to, that Pulsar is more unreliable than my moped!
Q: Anyone?
Everyone: ........
Q: Goddamnit fine! I'll drive by myself!

[The URI Tribe is prepared to ghetto pack Nash's wagon.]

Nash: OK, we can sit three in the front bench, three in the back comfortably, and two can squeeze into the trunck which folds down into a seat. These Pontiac 6000s are quite capable of seating 8 comfortably.
Ham: Mike, wait a second.
Nash: What?
Ham: Ummm, no, nevermind.
Dave: A little Bohemian Rhapsody gentlemen?

[The URI Tribe busts out into Bohemian Rhapsody as Nash's wagon stalls a couple of times and eventually makes it on its way.]

[The NU Tribe has settled into Nate Bedard's van which has a license plate that reads "SOCMOM".]

Nate: Careful not to crush all the cups and ping pong balls my mom bought me.
Jeff: Anyone wanna see my penis?
Dan: B-diddle!
CDep: Middle seat!
Pete: What?! You can't do that!
James: He called teams, that's the way it goes.
Dan: Shet up James.
James: I HEARD THAT!

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

Watch Return of the Living Dead...and send more cops.
[Trouble has arisen for the UConn Tribe, as the cameras are talking to the Tribe outside of the Jungle dorm at UConn.]

Pike: I don't believe this. Q's Pulsar is so crappy that he had to wait in Hartford for 45 minutes for his car to cool down before he could start it again. So we have been here waiting for him for a couple of hours, and we just got a call from Q and he said that his Pulsar broke down when he was trying to get out of Hartford and now we can't get into his dorm room. I don't even know where we're going to sleep.
[Pat and Begin are going room to room trying to find somewhere to sleep.]
Pat: (talking to a male in the Jungle) Hello sir, my name is Pattywagon and this is Jess. We're locked out of our dorm room and need somewhere to sleep tonight. If you get this beautiful young lady drunk and let her sleep here, she might make out with you.
Begin: Nut uh!
[Kid shuts the door as Jess walks away. Meanwhile back in the street...]
Tully: (flagging down cars, now talking to a random motorist) Excuse me, but I was royally *beep*ed over by a little Polish man, and was wondering if you would drive me back to my house in Ellington so I could sleep. (person drives away) Communist!!!!

[Car troubles are also prevelant among the URI Tribe as well.]

Shelley: Ummm, Mike, are you sure we're going to make it all the way to Rhode Island?
Mike: Of course...c'mon baby, you can make it!
Caitlin: Save that for later Michael!
Mike: I was talking to the car.
Chris N.: This wagon has stalled 5 times on the way up, remember at that stoplight?
Travis: Remember that was because the air conditioning was on!
Dave: A Toyota wouldn't stall because the air conditioning was on! You don't even need a key to start it!
Ham: Your Toyota is so old it was made before air conditioning was invented.
Drew: Wellllllllllllll Q said what about, breakfast at Britney's!
Mike: Who put this crap on the radio, we need some real music....yeah! September by Earth, Wind, and Fire!
Dave: Live in the now! These guys were popular before we were born!

[At Schroth's house, activity is at a minimum as several people are M.I.A.]

Jim: Hey Schroth, where is everyone?
Scrot: They're all at work. Jodi is off at her uncle's hair place, Larrissa and Alli are down at Ducky's, but they said they would stop by the supermarket and pick up some stuff to eat tonight.
Alicia: Yesterday was so much fun Christian.
Christian: No kidding, I'm so glad everything is cool between us.
Jim: Jimmy thinks that Schroth should go get me a soda.
Scrot: You're talking to me Jim, you don't have to say my name.
Alicia: What do you mean by that Christian? I don't understand you sometimes.
Christian: Just leave me alone. I need some time to myself.
Michelle: Ummm, I thought you guys were....
Alicia: Well we're not.
Christian: Alicia, I'm sorry, you wanna do something tonight?
Alicia: Of course, I'm so glad everything is cool between us.

[Finally, at NU there is some dissention over who should get the beds.]

Andy: OK, all my weird roommates are on co-op so we've got the suite to ourselves. There's two beds in my room, two beds in the other room, and this couch. So three people will have to sleep on the floor. Who wants the beds?
Pete: I say we should brawl for the beds.
CDep: No way, why don't we just draw straws or something.
Dan: Awww c'mon you pussy, yeah let's fight.
Nate: OK, but everyone has to tie their hands behind their backs and fight on their knees.
Andy: Sounds like a plan...Jeff keep your pants on.
James: If you get knocked down and pinned on your side for three seconds, you're out.
Pete: OK, but no teaming up...damnit Jeff put it away!!!!

[The NU Tribe brawls on the floor of the common room in Andy's suite. Seven people go right after Pete and pin him down in a massive pile. Pete gets untied and goes after Alan and pins him to the ground by his neck. Everyone decides there were no rules about that so Alan is out. Chris and Dan are brawling and since Chris beats Dan at EVERYTHING he pins Dan. But CDep is a prissy so his brother pins him and Chris gets stuck on the couch, but at least not the floor.]

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

Eat Krispy Kreme doughnuts...Body movin', body movin', A-1 sound, sound's so soothin'.
[All the tribes have gathered in a parking lot in Newington, CT. Host Bobby is there to address the crowd.]

Mr. Guerin: I know some of you had some problems getting to your camps, some trouble, you were in the rough. Well your first immunity challenge has a nice reward that might help you out in the future. In addition to gaining immunity for your tribe, if you win this week's challenge your tribe will receive a huge, white van, like the one the boys had on the Florida baseball trip. Three rows of seats plus the bench seats in the front. You will be able to carry way more than just your own tribe in this baby. But this week's immunity challenge is something you all know and love...laser tag. We're here at Laser Quest on the Berlin Turnpike to find out which team is the best laser tag team. You gain points for shooting players from other tribes, you lose points for shooting your own players or getting shot by other tribes. Everyone tribe has their own color lights on their targets so you can tell each other apart. Good luck.

[Everyone floods into the building. Some people register their names while others engage in air hockey and arcade games.]

Pike: (to the guy taking names) I want to be "Princess" please.
Nash: Ummm, no, she means "Mass Pike".
Pike: No I don't! (punches Nash, but the guy taking the names is laughing so he puts Mass Pike)

Tommy: Jess, what's your name?
Begin: "E-Z"
Scrot: Yeah right!
Guy taking names: I'm sorry sir, "Emperor of the World" will not fit.
Pete: Damnit! Make it fit then!

Christian: Alicia, you're "Mexican" right?
Alicia: Of course!
Christian: Well your gun says "Sexican". Haha.
Alicia: That guy is a pervert!

James: Yo Dep, look over that. Is that who I think it is?
CDep: Oh crap, no way, dude, dARKrAVEN is here.
James: Hey Danny! There's been a dARKrAVEN sighting, over there.
Dan: S*beep*. What the hell is he doing here? What are we gonna do?
James: There's only one thing we can do...are you thinking what I'm thinking?
CDep: We gotta beat that flabby boy's ass up...

[Everyone now heads into the briefing room, where a Marshall is telling everyone how to play.

Marshall: When you get your equipment, you use the activation key on your gun and your name should appear on the little screen...
Scrot: Penis.
Marshall: And when it starts beeping that means you have 10 seconds left to play.
Christian: *cough* penis.
Marshall: Any questions?
Jeff: PENIS!!

[The door opens and everyone gets their guns and the game begins...]

Dan: Noooooooo!!! dARKrAVEN got me three times before I even got into the friggin' arena!
James: Hey! Over here! I got 'em cornered!

Nash: Henry, stick with me, you cover the upper level and I'll get around on this level. Crap, I just got shot by "Queso".
Ham: (laughing with his goofy smirk)
Nash: Damnit Henry, you're Queso. What'd you shoot me for? (Shoots him back)
Shelley: C'mon guys, we are teammates! We can't shoot each other, we're losing points!
[Nash and Ham both shoot Shelley.]

Scrot: Man Christian, Mr. T. is killing us out here, I swear I've gotten shot by "I'm Bald" 20 times. Haha 20. Christian? Where'd you go? ALL GIRLS IN MY TRIBE REPORT TO ME RIGHT NOW!

Alan: Northeastern will prevail! Die dARKrAVEN!
[Alan, James, CDep, and Dan all have dARKrAVEN pinned down by his arms and are shooting him over and over. They have duct taped his mouth shut so he can't yell.]

[The fighting continues for some time...the teams near the home stretch.]

Q: Bang! Bang!
Larrissa: What are you doing Q?
Q: My gun doesn't work. This sucks. Just shoot me, free shots. Bang! Bang!

Tully: The day is mine DeOrio, your ass is grass.
Pete: Not if I have anything to do with it. What the hell? C'mon, why won't this thing shoot?
Tully: Your gun appears to have broken, you are defenseless against my power. (shoots Pete).
Pete: POOF!!!! MARSHALL! MARSHALL! MARSHALL! (starts running around with his gun in the air)

Andy: Where have you guys been? It's like 20 on 1 out there, we're getting killed!
James: Let's just say that I don't think dARKrAVEN will be back anytime soon.
CDep: Well at least we're not like URI, they've been shooting each other the whole time.

Drew: (shoots Dave) Leeshen faigsh.
Dave: I.....am peaceful....
Chris N.: (shoots Drew)
Dave: What the fuck was that? Why did you shoot, the faigsh?! (shoots Chris)

Jodi: Hey Alli, did you figure out how to get this gun to work?
Alli: Jodi, we've been playing for 20 minutes and you still don't know how to shoot the gun?
Jodi: Well it's hard!
Jim: Jimmy thinks we're going to lose because we have too many girls on our team.
Christian: Jimmy should be glad he's not at Northeastern, they don't have any girls on their team.

[The guns all beep and everyone returns back to the lobby to get the results.]

Marshall: First, we have the individual winners. The number three scorer was "Matroni".
[Andy Dep walks up to get his scorecard.]
CDep: Haha...I like ketchup!
James: But what about mayonase?
CDep: I take that back, I like condiments.
Marshall: In second place was "Brittney".
[Larrissa walks up to get her scorecard.]
Nate: How did a girl get second place?!
Christian: She's vicious man, she knows how to work a gun if you know what I mean.
Larrissa: What was that? (slams Christian on the arm)
Christian: I mean, work, and run, run around, the arena, and shoot people.
Larrissa: Whateva.
Marshall: And in first place, "I'm Bald".
[Mr. Tautkus walks up to get his scorecard.]
Mr. T.: Haha! The day is mine!
Pete: I didn't even see Mr. Tautkus the whole time, but I got shot by him 4 times.
Pat: He's pretty stealthy for a big guy!

Mr. Guerin: Now it's time to find out who got immunity this week. In fourth place was the URI Tribe, as they were in the negative points for shooting themselves too much. In third place was the Northeastern Tribe, as half the team was pinning down dARKrAVEN the whole time...by the way, is he still in there? Oh well. The top two teams were very close, but lead by Mr. Tautkus's phenominal play, the UConn Tribe has the highest score! Congratulations, you get the immunity idol (a wiffleball bat painted gold), and here are the keys to the huge white van!

[The view goes into slow-mo as it shows UConn celebrating with Mr. T. holding the items up, and the other tribes are all arguing and pushing each other around.]

Mr. Guerin: We'll see you all back at the Civic Center for the tribal council tomorrow. Get a good rest tonight, because three people will be gone from New England tomorrow.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

Grow a beard...you might be able to buy beer for your tribe.
Mr. Guerin: Welcome to the first tribal council. In a few minutes, you will all be voting one person out of each tribe except for the UConn Tribe. But first I have a few questions for you. Now, members of Schroth's Tribe have jobs, and will be able to purchase food and such for the tribe. Have any other tribes thought about this? Northeastern?
Northeastern Tribe: (blank stares...)
Andy: I could give tours of the campus. They pay me $5 for every one I do, I can do like 2 a week.
Jeff: I found a quarter in the couch!

Mr. Guerin: The UConn Tribe is not here, but they had some serious trouble getting into UConn. The URI Tribe almost didn't make it either. Nash, would you like to defend yourself?
Nash: No one else could drive, I am the only person whose mom isn't psycho and actually lets me drive out of state.
Drew: I could have driven the Subaru!
Caitlin: And you didn't because...
Drew: I don't know.
Dave: That is correct! Drew's answer for everything.

Mr. Guerin: Schroth, your tribe, very close to getting immunity this week, but someone has to go. What are your thoughts?
Scrot: Eh, whoever. I don't care. But if you vote me out, no one can stay at my house!
Alicia: I think us girls should stick together and get these boys out of here. They're just a pain.
Jim: Hey, Jimmy doesn't like that, Jimmy's ragin' Asian meter is at a 10 out of 10.

Mr. Guerin: I can see that not everything is peachy here in New England. Well, it's time to vote.

CAST YOUR VOTES!