"Thank you for choosing us over porn today."
-CDep
EWL 2002 Season
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EWL 2001 Season
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WOODSIDE ACRES
NAME AVG HR RBI W-L ERA K
Bedard, Dan .326 13 49 5-5 2.95 80
Deptula, Andy .425 49 100 8-5 2.71 77
Deptula, Chris .429 37 133 8-2 2.37 48
Honda, Jim .246 11 76 1-1 5.50 40
Schroth, Chris .360 4 71 16-10 1.96 126
Wasielewski, Jeff .300 0 65 0-1 2.00 26
REST OF ELLINGTON
NAME AVG HR RBI W-L ERA K
Dunn, Andrew .301 9 50 2-8 2.70 136
Guerin, James .378 35 71 4-3 2.38 160
Kluczwski, Dave .226 4 37 0-2 5.38 60
Leighton, Dave .279 14 42 2-7 4.54 76
Nash, Mike .332 17 52 7-7 1.76 146
Senger, Christian .214 0 10 1-2 2.80 53
PLAY BY PLAY ANNOUNCING: Mr. Keith Tautkus
COLOR COMMENTARY: Pete DeOrio
ON FIELD COMMENTARY: Seth Finnicum
UMPIRES: Alan Bergquist
Henry Bergquist
SURPRISE GUESTS: Travis Gale
Tom Schall
(theme from Monday Night Football plays, fades into the Deptula's backyard with Mr. Tautkus and Pete sitting on the porch with microphones. Mr. T. has a jacket and tie on, Pete is wearing an untucked flannel with shorts and sneakers)
MR. T: Welcome wiffleball fans to the 2001 Ellington Wiffleball League All-Star game. I'm Keith Tautkus and I'm bald. With me as always is my good Italian friend, Peter DeOrio.
PETE: WITH YOU AS ALWAYS?! I've never done anything with you in my life old man! Why don't you go back to Germany and lose some more wars!
MR. T: I'm sorry Peter...Tully! Brooks! Time to get up! AHHHHH!!!! TULLY!! I'M BALD!!!!
PETE: Riiiiiight...
MR. T: Last time to you Bobby!
PETE: Now Mr. Tautkus brings up a good point. Missing from action today is the league's top power hitter in 1999...Bob Abel. Since that stellar season, he has found better things to do, like fucking his extremely hot girlfriend...can I say that?
MR. T: (giggling uncontrollably)
PETE: What are you laughing at old man?! Don't patronize me! (gives Mr. T. the death stare) CURSE! SLEEP!
MR. T: (falls asleep and rolls to the porch floor)
PETE: That'll teach that senile bastard to mess with an Italian. Anyway, we have a great game for you today as we have the players from the local Woodside Acres area taking on players from the rest of Ellington, from Jobs Hill up to Crystal Lake, the ghetto down by 7-11 and up near the center of town. However, we already have a controversy over the teams. Let's have a listen.
Q: Schroth can't play for Woodside Acres, he technically doesn't live in Woodside. Hoffman Road is not Woodside Acres.
SCROT: You're techinally a dumbass!
DREW: Yeah Q, don't be so pissy and just play. Who cares what team he plays for.
NASH: If Scrot played for us they wouldn't have any pitching at all. The best three pitchers would be on our team.
CDEP: Dude, we slammed five homers off James at Mr. T.'s house the other day, and I pitched at the same park and only gave up two hits the whole game.
JAMES: That's because I didn't have my black bat.
Q: I'm not being pissy, I'm just following the rules.
JEFF: Wanna see my penis?
EVERYONE: God! No! Damnit put it away Jeff! Aw!
PETE: (shaking Mr. T.) Wake up old man! You're not getting paid to sleep!
MR. T: Sorry about that, well the game's about to start, and while Woodside is technically at a home park, the teams will perform the traditional bat toss to decide the home and away teams.
PETE: This is interesting because Mike Nash ALWAYS wins the bat toss, but they are allowing James to do the bat toss against Schroth.
MR. T: And no surprise, Schroth wins. Not a good managerial decision by the Rest Of Ellington.
PETE: Who is the manager?
MR. T: There isn't one.
PETE: So how the fuck can there be a managerial decision?!
MR. T: There's no need to curse Peter.
PETE: Stop calling me Peter!!! I'm going to kill your family you bearded family man!
MR. T: Well while Mr. DeOrio calms down, let's go to our on-field analylist Seth Finnicum to get a run-down on some of the rules for today's game.
SETH: Thanks Mr. T. Well since no official stats will be kept for today's game, there will be some slight rules changes. The regulation six balls three strikes count and two out innings will be kept, but we'll only be playing five innings and players can be substituted in and out at any time, and that includes pitching changes, pinch hitters and pinch runners. The only rule with this is that one player can't bat in two different places in the batting order. Back to you Mr. T. and Preamy (laughs).
PETE: Somebody shut that Jew up! Hey Seth, is that a star you're wearing?! Why don't you go pick up that quarter that's under my car seat?!
SETH: It's not under there anymore, the wind tipped the Trooper over and it exploded.
MR. T: Peter, the racial insults need to stop, this is family programming.
PETE: Family programming my ass! It's a wiffleball game for god's sake, who the fuck is going to watch this?!
MR. T: Well thankfully we've shut Pete's mic off for the time being, I'm sure we'll hear from him once it gets turned back on...Today's starting pitcher for Woodside is not surprisingly Chris Schroth. He's the team's ace, with seven shutouts in 26 starts and a nice 1.96 ERA. He throws a tough curveball and doesn't walk many, just six walks in 182.5 innings. The lineup he will be facing to start things off will be Mike Nash followed by James Guerin and Andy Dunn. Schroth's field is very solid with Chris Deptula playing shortstop and Andy Deptula roaming from center field to right field.
HENRY: Ok boys, let's have a fair game, I'll be calling balls and strikes today and Alan will make the calls on the bases. You argue with us and you're outta here.
DAN: Yeah Henry, where you gonna send us? Huh?
ALAN: Yeah shut up Henry.
PETE: See I'm not the only one who is being insulted!
MR. T: Ah welcome back Pete. Are you prepared to analize this matchup?
PETE: As long as that Jew-boy stops messing with the trooper. If you didn't know he crashed his car and drives a friggin' moped.
MR. T: Very well, let's get to the action. Schroth is done warming up and Mike Nash has stepped into the box. We have a rather full crowd here, many of the ladies have turned out to cheer for their favorite man and to work on their tans.
MR. T: Here's the first pitch of the game...curveball fouled straight back into the tree.
HENRY: Strike three, you're out.
NASH: What the hell?
HENRY: You heard me, don't mess with the ump.
DAN: HENRY!! You shouldn't even be calling balls and strikes, we can do that fine on our own!
HENRY: Heyyyyy, watch it goldylocks or you're gonna get the boot from ol' Henry.
SCROT: Throw him into the pool!!!!
(a loud cheer goes up and both teams rush to Henry, pick him up by his arms and legs and toss him into the neighbor's pool)
PETE: Well that just about does it for the home plate umpire, we won't be hearing and ludacris calls from him for awhile.
MR. T: I've never seen the players overthrow an umpire before, but hey, this is backyard wiffleball, anything goes.
ALAN: Good work men, I'll just make the calls on the bases.
MR. T: Back to the game, Nash has an 0-1 count on him. Here's the pitch...blooped back up the middle, Andy makes the call and he has it, that's one down here in the first inning.
PETE: Well James is on deck but he's nowhere to be found, the girls are saying that he ran out to his car to get something.
(James returns and steps up to the plate with the notorious black bat in his hands)
ADEP: Whoa whoa whoa, he can't use that!
MR. T: I thought that got burned in the imfamous wiffleball fire of 2001, along with the tiny strike zone chair, taped up wiffleballs and that annoying patch of long grass in center field at Scrotum Stadium!
CDEP: Where did you get that?
JAMES: Manfre's stocks them, there's plenty more where that came from.
SCROT: Well I don't care if he uses it, I'm gonna strike his ass out anyway.
NASH: None of the rest of us will use it, so I don't care either.
SETH: There's no official rule against it, I don't see why he can't use it.
ADEP: I say if he uses it he has to bat left-handed.
BRIAN GELSOMINO: I thought lefties were banned from this park?
CDEP: Where the hell did you come from?!
SCROT: Throw him into the pool!!
(another loud roar goes up as both teams again combine to throw Brian into the neighbor's pool)
JAMES: Well I'll bat left handed, but if the ball hits those trees it's a homerun no matter where it lands.
(everyone looks at CDep)
CDEP: What are you looking at me for? I don't make the rules!
LEIGHTON: I don't care, whatever, just do it that way and let's get this game going.
MR. T: So there it is, a couple more rules changes and we've got James batting left-handed with the black bat. Schroth is going to show him no mercy here and won't slow his fastball down at all.
PETE: As he shouldn't that black bat can hit the ball a mile if you catch it right.
MR. T: Here's the pitch to James, and it's grounded to the right side...Andy grabs it but James is running hard, he slides head first into the bag!
ALAN: No you're outta there, sliding head first into first is illegal here.
JAMES: But I would've been safe right?!
ALAN: Nah, Andy beat you to the bag by half an hour.
MR. T: Well that will retire the side, a one-two inning for Schroth and his boys. Let's go to Seth as he's with Chris S. after that inning.
SETH: Scrot, a solid first inning, how did you deal with all those disctractions?
SCROT: I was thinking about doing your mom!! Ahhhhh!!!!
SETH: Thanks Chris, back to you guys.
MR. T: You guys? You guys are not that good! You can't keep making errors! You can't just go out there and expect to win. You're not that good...you're not, that, good.
PETE: Well I think the Rest Of Ellington's starting pitcher is good enough to just go out there and win. It's Mike Nash, who throws a difficult to hit sidearm curveball. He keeps it low to the ground so he gets a lot of ground balls and doesn't give up a lot of homers. He has a miniscule 1.76 ERA with 51 Ks in 99.5 innings this season. Unfortunately for him, he's facing a lineup that hits a combined .403 with 55 homeruns on the season, which will be Schroth leading off, following by the bash brothers, Chris and Andy Deptula.
MR. T: Nash is done warming up, and he's not going to take it easy on the first batter because Schroth keeps launching the balls back at Mike at the mound and hitting him all over the place.
PETE: You weren't kidding! Nash's first pitch just nailed Scrot in the face!! And he's down!
PETE: Well not completely, Jimmy Honda is staring Nash down, he didn't like what he did to Schroth.
MR. T: Well Chris is back on his feet and has a 1-0 count. Chris likes to poke the ball to right field, but he is not very effective in this more open ballpark. He has also yet to hit a homerun at Tall Jack Park. The 1-0 delivery is ball two.
PETE: Nash works the count to nearly every batter, he won't give in very easily. While arms tend not to get tired pitching a wiffleball, Nash actually puts a lot of stress on his shoulder throwing his big overhand curve. James also complained of soreness after pitching a 17 inning game.
MR. T: The count has run to 2-2 now, there's ball three. 3-2 count, here's the pitch...grounded right back to the mound and Nash steps on the pitcher's plate for the first out.
PETE: This looks like it's going to be a long, boring game. This park tends to accomodate 1-0 games with about 5 total hits.
MR. T: Well don't speak so soon Peter, because Chris Deptula is stepping to the plate, and I just watched him hit four homers in two games at my house. Nash deals to Deptula, and it's ripped but foul to the left side.
LEIGHTON: Chris, can we get the call?
CDEP: FOUL!!!
NASH: Thanks Jim Burke.
MR. T: 0-1 to the other Chris, Nash deals and that's grounded to third, tough play for Dunn and he can't make it in time, Dep reaches on what will most likely be ruled a single.
PETE: Chris gets quite upset when teams get hits on little dribblers to third, but there's no way he would have hit .429 this season if he didn't do it himself about a million times.
MR. T: That brings up the biggest bat here, Andy Deptula. There's no way to pitch to him except to throw it over and pray to the stars. Nash will try to change up every pitch, speed, location, what kind it is, anything to throw Andy's timing off. Here's the pitch, and it's grounded to third again but an easier play for Drew, who makes the throw and retires the side. So no harm done that inning, we go to the top of the second with no score.
SETH: I'm here with a wet Henry Bergquist who is someone upset over the executive decision to remove him from his duty as home plate umpire.
HENRY: I will get my revenge! You just wait! (stops off behind the house)
SETH: He better not take my moped.
MR. T: We're ready for the second inning, the lineups are the same for now, as Schroth returns to the mound. Dunn will lead off the top of the second, he hit .301 this season.
Q: Drewwwww!!!!! You're up.
DREW: I know dumbass!
Q: Well you're not in the batters box.
DREW: I know...I was going...AHHHHHH!!!!!! (violently rubbing his nipple)
MR. T: OK, so, Schroth pitching to Drew Dunn...Dunn uses the big leg kick he patented during the baseball season in his wiffleball swing as well. Schroth starts him out with two balls here, as Dunn is a rather patient hitter who has not struck out much at all in recent games.
PETE: Yeah but he has struck out with just about every girl he's ever been with...except for Larrissa, she doesn't remember it but we all do...
MR. T: It's now 5-0, and Drew is looking for a rare walk from Schroth. Taking all the way and he's drawn it, the first walk of the game and first baserunner for the Rest Of Ellington.
PETE: Those pitches were all close so Schroth isn't very happy.
MR. T: Schroth now deals to Mike Nash, and that pitch went right for his head!! And we've got a brawl on our hands folks, Mike Nash has charged the mound!!!
PETE: That was retaliation for the first inning beaning of Schroth and for Drew taking six pitches. Seth is on the field with a better view of this brawl!
SETH: Nash has Scrot in a full nelson while Leighton pokes him in the stomach and makes him laugh! Dunn is on the bottom of the pile and Dan is humping him! What the hell?! And Andy and Chris Dep are fighting each other. They are on the same team! What the hell is Q doing? He's grabbing Schroth's nipple?! And Jimmy Honda has come to Chris's rescue and single handedly clears out Nash, Leighton and Q. Alan has come in from the outfield to break this brawl up.
PETE: Where the hell are Christian and Jeff during this whole brawl? Let's do a girl count...
CDEP: Who the fuck is in my sister's room?! (runs into the house)
PETE: Yup, we're definitely missing two girls, Christian and Jeff. That can only mean one thing...
GUERIN: Where's Jess Pike? Oh, she had to go pick up her pot.
(Jeff and Christian emerge from the house)
ADEP: Were you in my sister's room?
JEFF: Nooooo, we were in the basement. I MEAN! Watching TV, in the room above the basement.
(CDep comes out of the garage)
SENGER: Ummmmm...we need to go for a ride and talk.
CDEP: (gives fist knocks to Christian and Jeff) I'll be back boys.
MR. T: Well Woodside has lost their top hitter for the time being, he will be replaced by Dan in the lineup and Andy is moving over to the shortstop position. After that brawl, all we have is a 1-0 count on Nash and a runner on first. Pete? Where did Pete go?
SETH: (Pete is grabbing Seth by the neck and shaking him) Get him off of me!!!
PETE: Oh! Sorry, um, there was a fight, and um, I thought I should join.
MR. T: Anyway, Schroth is back to dealing with Mike here. Here's the pitch, and that's ripped over the head of Andy in left and will roll to the fence. Danny B. retrieves it as Dunn heads to third, and Nash heads to second on the throw back into the infield. We've got second and third with nobody out.
PETE: Andy got up for that one but couldn't quite reach it, he's white you know.
MR. T: That brings up James, who has decided to hit right-handed with the yellow bat this at-bat.
NASH: Fundamental baseball James! Hit it to the right side! Get the run in!
MR. T: The pitch to James, he lets out a massive grunt but hits a sky-high pop-up! Maybe that's why he didn't make all-conference this season...
PETE: Andy makes the catch and the runners cannot advance, a big out for Scrot and Nash doesn't like that swing.
JAMES: I kinda pulled it.
MR. T: That leaves it up to Andy Dunn who "drew" a walk his first time up.
PETE: Puns are the lowest form of humor, or so says the ancient Mrs. Marriott. That woman is evil.
MR. T: Dunn takes a strike, important first pitch for Schroth as a walk is a run here. Dunn takes another strike and he's quickly down 0-2. Schroth deals 0-2, curveball in the dirt but Dunn goes for it, he's down on three pitches and that's how you pitch out of a jam!
DREW: Pooooooooofffffffff!!!!!!!!!!
MR. T: The players show more hustle in leaving the field than they did when I coached them, as we go back to our man downstairs to get an interview with a fan.
SETH: I'm here with Mrs. Deptula, mother of Chris and Andy. Mrs. D., what do you think of the game so far?
MRS. DEPTULA: I don't remember Christopher asking if he could play wiffleball here today.
SETH: Okay...well back to you guys in the booth.
PETE: Don't even start with the you guys!
MR. T: They aren't that good Peter.
PETE: POOOOOOOFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!
MR. T: The only change we have this inning is Dan Bedard hitting for Chris Deptula in the lineup who is currently MIA. Nash will take his second inning on the hill, due up is Schroth, Bedard, Deptula.
PETE: Let's see if we can get a run across the plate this inning.
MR. T: Chris Schroth steps in, he looks a little shaken from that brawl earlier.
PETE: Yeah he has his shirt off and his nipples look a little mis-colored from Q's twisters. He is pretty good at those, he got a lot of practice on Heather.
MR. T: I won't even ask...here's Nash's pitch to Schroth, inside for ball one. Not quite chin music but Nash isn't backing off. Nash's pitch, hung out over the outside corner and ripped deep to right center. That ball hits the trees and falls behind the swingset! That's a homerun!
PETE: What a shot! Out to the deepest part of the ballpark, and Schroth gets the chest bump from ADep as he crosses the plate...it's 1-0 Woodside.
SCROT: Woo hoo! My first homerun at this house! It's about time!
NASH: We need to "begin" to focus! Siphon focus! CURSE!
DAN: SHIELD!
NASH: Too late!
DAN: Aw, damnit!
MR. T: Well Schroth has homered but Dan is cursed, and it certainly looks like the curse worked because Dan just took a first pitch strike as he clobbers the ball into the outfield as it bounces out of the strikezone.
PETE: Dan seems pretty good at soft toss, but can he hit the nasty Nash curveball.
MR. T: Apparently not, a big overhand curve for strike two. 0-2 pitch, Nash drops down, sidearm curve right down the pipe for strike three! How can Dan take a pitch like that?
DAN: FUCK!!!!!!
MR. T: That's one down, bringing up Andy Dep. He's 0-1 with a groundout to third. Nash deals, ripped down the line, Alan rules it a fair ball! It rolls through the fence and Andy hustles into second with a one-out double. That ball was hit hard, right by Andy Dunn, and Andy takes the maximum two bases as the ball rolls through the fecne.
PETE: Now Scrot comes back up with a runner in scoring position. Let's see if he can bring him home.
MR. T: Nash runs the count to 2-1, Schroth is looking for that outside pitch to hit the other way. Inside curveball, swung on and blooped off the fists to the right side. James is over to grab it, throws at Schroth but misses! The ball goes into the shrubbery and Andy will score from second, Schroth goes to second, it's 2-0.
PETE: Guerin went for the peg, but he threw the ball like the French shoot their guns, nowhere near their target.
MR. T: Dan Bedard comes back up now, trying not to be the RK and make both outs in the inning. Nash, a little frustrated with his defense, lobs the pitch over left handed! What is he doing?!
PETE: Big cut by Dan but he popped it straight up!
MR. T: Nash is quick off the mound, head first dive and he's got it one handed! What a catch, incredible play!
PETE: He looked like Jason Varitek out there.
MR. T: So Dan is the rally killer as he throws the bat down in frustration. Let's go back to Seth who is with a jolly Q on the sidelines.
SETH: Q, you've been substituted into the game, can you help bring this team back to win?
Q: Ah! Sommatiems you just gotta twist the bat in your hands and pull the pitch to siphon it to the fence and it will funnel over, ya know, sometimes the summa cum laudy factor delivers the pitch.
SETH: You're an idiot...but then again I was the one who got beat up at Case's party. Mr. Tautkus?
MR. T: Thank you Seth, you should have played football instead of soccer last year. We have a new pitcher in the game, it will be Dan Bedard. We'll see if he can do better on the mound than he can at the plate. In the field he'll have Jimmy Honda at third and Andy will remain in the game in right as Jeff and Chris are still not back. James Guerin will stay in the game, we'll assume to pitch, and Q and Dave Leighton will hit for Nash and Dunn this inning.
PETE: I'm trying to figure out these changes on my scorecard but the dirty Asians who made this pen put too little ink in it and it won't write.
JIM: Hey! I'm Asian!
PETE: DIRTY! Go home! Go back and wash clothes and make cheap little toys they sell in dollar stores! You're drunk Jimmy!
JIM: I can assure you that I am not drunk. I will give you $5,000 if you ever see me drinking in the next 4 years.
(Nash grabs Jim and pins him to the ground)
NASH: Someone get a beer!
JIM: Let me rephrase that! See me drinking on my own free will.
MR. T: Back to the game, we've got a 2-0 Woodside advantage with Leighton, Guerin, Q due up. Leighton steps in, and he's doing the little kid laugh!
DREW: Are you having fun little Davey?
LEIGHTON: Yaish!
MR. T: Here's the pitch, and it's clobbered deep to left, over the tree and that lands fair! Homerun!
LEIGHTON: He he, he he!
DREW: Little Davey is having fun!
DAN: What the hell? One pitch! I hate this game!
MR. T: Well Dan's struggles continue, he has been known to give up the long ball. 9 home runs allowed in 66.5 innings pitched and an ERA of almost 3.
PETE: I could hit a home run off that Polish pervert if I ever got a chance.
MR. T: Well speaking of perverts, look who's back! It's Christian, Jeff and Chris Dep. Maybe they've decided to play some wiffleball today. In any case, James is up left-handed here against Dan, with the score 2-1 in the top of third. Dan can't get his curveball over, it's 2-0.
PETE: Dan likes to use a screwball that hits the outside corner against righties, but with a lefty up there he can use the curveball.
MR. T: 2-0 pitch, ripped to right field and that hits a branch! Goodbye wiffleball!
DAN: Damn the stupid rules! That shouldn't be a homerun!
ALAN: Everyone agreed on it, that's gone.
MR. T: That ties the game up, and that's the third homerun of the game. They're flying out of here like it's my house. Back to back homers, but that string will come to an end as Q steps up to the plate.
Q: I heard that! If you just gave me more of a chance while I was on your team I might hit a homerun now.
MR. T: He was a manager. Billy deserved as much of a chance as Q. He steps in here with the score tied at two, Dan pitches him inside and Q fouls it off.
PETE: Q is another free swinger, doesn't like to walk but he's not afraid to take a pitch.
MR. T: What's that supposed to mean? That contradicts itself.
PETE: Damnit I don't know anything about baseball!!
MR. T: It's 1-1 to Q now, here's the pitch, ripped on a line down the line, into the tree! Jimmy is under it, but it deflects off his arm and over the fence! Alan rules it a homerun! Back to back to back!
PETE: Now goldylocks is REALLY frustrated. He just threw a ball onto the house.
MR. T: Hurry up and get the ball! Peg him peg him!
(Jim pegs Q with the ball from behind the fence)
Q: What the hell?
ALAN: Perfectly legal, good shot Jim.
MR. T: Dan has given up three runs while getting no one out, so we're going to see a pitching change. Here comes Chris Deptula out of the bullpen to relieve Dan.
PETE: Peese has his on and off days, he's not facing a really tough lineup here, he tends to do better facing off against weaker hitters. However these three guys all just hit homers so we'll have to see.
MR. T: Leighton doesn't appear to be having fun this time, but he just hit a slippery spot and fell on his ass.
LEIGHTON: (pops back up) I'm ok! I'm ok, I must have fell.
MR. T: Dep uses the submarine knuckleball to prevent the homerun, and Leighton pops it up to left. Jimmy Honda makes the catch and that's the first out.
PETE: We're going to see another pinch hitter here, it will be Christian Senger for James Guerin, and Seng looks a little pumped up from whatever happened in that basement. Hopefully he's not thinking about Jeff's penis.
MR. T: Deptula deals, and it's hit hard down the line in right, fair ball. Andy chases it down and gets it back in but Christian has hustled in for a double.
PETE: That kid can move like the wind. I bet he's a jackrabbit in the sack.
MR. T: So is your mom.
PETE: GODDAMNIT IT YOU DIRTY OLD MAN YOU'RE GONNA GET IT!!!
SETH: Sorry to cut away from that, Pete's Italian temper has prematurely kicked in. Back to the game, Q stands in against CDep. The count is 2-2, knuckleball blooped back at the mound and Chris has it, that'll end the inning. But the damage has been done in the top of the third, it's 3-2 Rest Of Ellington leading Woodside Acres.
NASH: So what are we doing tonight?
CDEP: I don't know, what do you wanna do?
SCHROTH: I don't care, whatever.
CDEP: Dan, we're going to your house, 8:00.
DAN: All right, my mom'll make hamburgers.
SETH: Jeff Wasielewski will be entering the game for Andy Deptula hitting in the third spot in the lineup, Chris Dep is back into the lineup hitting second, and Jimmy Honda remains the leadoff man. As we suspected, they will be facing league ace James Guerin, who has a variety of pitches, he's like the Greg Maddux of wiffleball.
NASH: What the hell Seth, how do you know how Greg Maddux pitches?
SETH: I don't, Mr. Tautkus told me to say it, see it's on this little card here.
SENGER: Little cards? Man you guys went all out. This is great!
MR. T: We're back, and Pete has been duct taped to his chair, and a V-chip has been implanted into his skull, so every time he curses or issues a racial slur he will receive an electric jolt.
PETE: Yeah right, you're just saying that so I shut up.
MR. T: You want to test it?....Preamy?
PETE: Oh fuck off you...zzzzzzzzz AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (falls over in his chair and lays on the ground smoldering and convulsing)
MR. T: Thanks for rigging that up James, but I thought I told you not so powerful.
JAMES: Sorry Tautkus, I got a little carried away.
MR. T: We're in the bottom of the third now, it's 3-2 Rest Of Ellington thanks to three homeruns off Dan last inning. Since Dan also killed the rally for his team last inning, Jeff will lead it off this inning against James. The first week of the season James pitched exceptionally well, but since the league has implimented the walk rule, James's stats have fallen off slightly. Jeff stands in with a .300 average in three games this season, but his on base percentage with the ladies is through the roof.
JEFF: Hey, she didn't pull away, ok?
ALAN: Jeff your pants are down. Are you not wearing any underwear?
JEFF: What, does anyone have a problem with seeing my penis?
LEIGHTON: Um, yeah, I would rather not see it.
JEFF: That's only one, majority rules, I'm batting naked.
CDEP: For god's sake keep your shirt on at least!
JEFF: Fine, but if it flaps up while I'm running it's not my fault.
Q: Please strike him out James.
MR. T: Well this ought to be a distrubing at-bat, Jeff's pants are at his ankles, I'm not sure how he's going to run if he happens to hit the ball, he'll probably trip and fall on his face which would be really really bad. James's first pitch is swung on and missed and that's not the only thing that's swinging I can't believe I just saw that!
DREW: (fake puking)
CDEP: That's it, I'm not watching, if he hits it out here someone yell at me.
MR. T: (looking the opposite direction) I'm not watching this at-bat either, and since Peter is out of commission, we'll have to go to Seth for the call.
SETH: I as well have averted my eyes, but I'm here with East Hartford chick that Jeff made out with at the DMB concert who doesn't mind watching the at-bat, and she will have the call.
EAST HARTFORD CHICK: When I make out with someone, I play with his junk.
SETH: Yes, but could you please just say what's happening?
EAST HARTFORD CHICK: You wanna make out?
SETH: Sorry guys, I gotta go, don't wait up for me. (hops on the moped with the East Hartford chick and takes off).
MR. T: Now we've lost Seth, so it has become essential to revive Pete in order to get someone down there on the field. Meanwhile Jeff has struck out and put his pants back on, which is a relief to everyone, and there's one down in the bottom of the third.
PETE: Ummm, I am rather...upset....with what just happened to me....so I have to be somewhat careful with what I say from now on...
MR. T: We've got Jimmy Honda coming up to the plate, who after a solid debut has fallen off to a .246 average, but he has had 7 RBIs in just six games. The pitch from James to James is a ball. Another ball. And another, and another.
PETE: I'm down on the field now retreiving James's wild pitches, he tends to do that and he's getting frustrated.
MR. T: Finally a strike, but now another ball, it's 5-1. Jimmy swings at the 5-1 and it's fouled off. Pay off pitch is fouled off. Another pay off pitch, fouled off again.
JIM: Jimmy doesn't like them high, Jimmy hits foul balls on high pitches.
JAMES: So where do you want it then?
JIM: Jimmy thinks James is an idiot, Jimmy just said he doesn't like high pitches, that implies that Jimmy would like a low pitch.
JAMES: You got it.
MR. T: Well that's a little too low, it hit the plate and that's ball six, Jim is on with one out with Little Dep coming to the plate. James throws a nice fastball that's taken for strike one. There's a changeup, it's golfed from off the ground in front of the plate and up and over the fence!
PETE: Holy crap that ball was at least 3 feet short of the plate!
MR. T: He thinks he's Chi Chi Rodriguez, putting the bat away in its holster.
DAN: Cocky!!!!!!
MR. T: That puts Woodside back on top 4-3 in the third, we've seen a lot of runs and homeruns today as Tall Jack Park is usually a pitcher's park. Mr. Wasielewski is back up to the plate and has decided to play with his pants on this time. James lobs the first pitch up to him so he can hit it, and hit it he does but foul, Q gives it a look, sliding and making the catch! Great effort from Q-bird himself.
PETE: We're heading into the fourth inning here at Tall Jack Park, but I'm joined now by a special guest who has come all the way from Agawam, Mass. to watch today's festivities. Jim Matroni, what brings you here today?
JIM MATRONI: I heard there was ketchup. I like ketchup.
PETE: Of course you do, but what about mayonase?
JIM MATRONI: I take that back, I like condoments.
PETE: He's not kidding, back to Mr. Tautkus in the booth.
MR. T: I'm losing track of who is coming up, I'm getting changes given to me by both teams. Okay, these lineups are exactly the same as they were last inning. It's Leighton, Senger and Q for the Rest Of Ellington and Honda, Chris Deptula and Wasielewski for Woodside, with Jim Honda going onto the mound.
PETE: Jim has pitched two games this season and has given up 25 hits in those two games. Not exactly impressive numbers, but what the heck, it's just wiffleball.
MR. T: He deals here to Dave Leighton, who rips a grounder to the left side, tough play for Chris and the throw is wild, Leighton reaches on the first pitch of the inning, bringing up Christian Senger who is 1-1 with a double.
PETE: This is getting addictive, Leighton has dropped his drawers on first base, fortunately he has boxers on.
MR. T: Jim isn't going to wait for Dave to gather himself, he's going to pitch to Christian. Senger wants to wait for Dave though and takes a strike.
LEIGHTON: What? What's the big deal?
SENGER: You're pants are down!
LEIGHTON: Oh! Oh, thanks for telling me. (pulls up his pants)
MR. T: Well it looks like we're ready to go again, here's the pitch, and it's grounded to short, quick throw by Deptula and they get Christian but Leighton moves up to second.
PETE: Wait! Hold on we have a developing situation, I see Travis Gale running up Dogwood Lane, heading this way! Yes, Travis has run from his house to join the wiffleball all-star game!
TRAVIS: (sweating profusely) Hey guys!
JEFF: Trav! Didn't think you could make it.
TRAVIS: I was out running, I thought I'd stop by and take a few swings.
MR. T: It looks like Travis will be pinch hitting for Q here with a runner in scoring position and one out, his team down by a run. Both men are set...
ALAN: WAIT! Don't pitch!
PETE: It's Henry! He's back with a loaded hose and he's looking for revenge!
MR. T: But the players don't see him and Jim pitches! Travis pops it up to the mound, Jim is under it...
HENRY: I'll kill you Jimmy!!!!!!!!! (charges the field with the hose)
MR. T: Ohhhhh!!! Henry drills Jim in the face with the hose! Man down...
PETE: The ball falls to the ground and Jimmy is soaked...the players are circling the bases...Chris and Jeff are trying to get the ball but Henry is nailing them with the hose too!
MR. T: Leighton scores from second, but Henry has turned the hose on Pete! Haha this is great!
PETE: You filthy German! I'll kick Hitler's ass! zzzzzzzzzz AHHHHHHHH NOT AGAIN YOU BASTARDS!!!!!! (again Pete falls to the ground smoldering as Henry pummels him with water from the hose)
MR. T: Travis is heading home as Chris finally gets to the ball...the throw at Travis...he jumps over it and lands on the plate! Inside the park homerun for Travis Gale!! Rest Of Ellington now leads! What an amazing play.
HENRY: That'll teach you punks to throw me into the pool. (Alan drills him from behind and tackles him) MR. T: It's another mess out there...most of the players are brawling, that's the second, maybe third brawl of the day...There's water everywhere and a working hose being pass around...meanwhile I have no idea who is even supposed to be batting...Pete is out for the count...Seth ran off with that chick...I never thought I would say that...
ADEP: Who's up? Let's get this game going.
NASH: I'll bat.
MR. T: The players have finally taken some initiative as Andy will now pitch for the moistened Jim Honda and Nash will bat for Leighton who had no idea it was his turn to hit. CDep is in the field and Jeff is trying to pull people's pants down so Schroth will replace him in the field. The count is 1-1 on Nash, here's the pitch...grounded to short, Chris Dep scoops it up and makes the play. That retires the side as the chaos is slowly diminishing.
JIM MATRONI: Keith?
MR. T: Yeah? Jim?
MATRONI: Yeah Keith it's me. I took a mic from this kid laying on the ground. The guys are gonna let me hit this inning.
MR. T: Who are you hitting for?
MATRONI: I'm up now, I'll talk to you later.
MR. T: That means he's up for Schroth. Who's pitching for Rest Of Ellington? It was Guerin, right? Well it looks like they're going to have Dave Leighton pitch, but Mike Nash is staying in the game so both those guys won't be able to bat next inning. Q is also in the game. So my buddy Jim Matroni is at the plate and he's facing off against Dave Leighton...this is an epic matchup as Leighton worked for Matroni all summer.
LEIGHTON: For the Bismark!! FIRE!!!
MR. T: And Leighton launches the pitch at Matroni's head!
MATRONI: You better watch it Leighton. I play hockey.
LEIGHTON: This is how you paint a bathroom Matroni...
MR. T: Another one way out of the strikezone.
LEIGHTON: Let's see how you like this one...
MR. T: And he lobs it up, right down the middle, Matroni clobbers it deep to left, Mike Nash is back, jumps, makes the catch and falls into, and over the fence! What a play, I think that ball might have been gone.
MATRONI: Robbed! I'll get you next time Leighton, I'll make you paint doors for a lifetime.
MR. T: That's one down and Chris Dep steps up to the plate who has at least two hits so far, maybe three, I've lost track. Leighton deals, ball one. Another ball. There's a swing and a miss on the slider. 2-1 pitch, lined up the middle but caught by Q. Finally a quick inning, and we're heading into the last inning with Rest Of Ellington leading Woodside Acres by 1.
PETE: Hi.
MR. T: Peter is back, and apparently being even more cautious about what he says.
PETE: You got that right.
MR. T: Hold on a second, do you hear that Peter?
PETE: It sounds mysteriously like Mettalica...
MR. T: Yes! It's Tommy Schally with a boom box blaring Mettalica entering the stadium!
SCROT: Tommy!
TOMMY: I made it guys, they postponed my Tommy John Surgery until tomorrow.
MR. T: Unfortunately for Tom, his arm injury will prevent him from playing today as he will be out for sometime on rehab for Tommy John Surgery.
PETE: I think his presence alone, along with the old school Mettalica music, has pumped up the Rest Of Ellington team as they look to pad their lead.
MR. T: Let's see who's going to bat this inning...looks like Guerin will lead off here with Andy Dunn and Mike Nash coming up, the original lineup.
PETE: Mr. T, the players look rather tired out there, it's been a long day, they don't seem to feel like playing right now. Jeff and Christian has disappeared again, and doing a girl count I see that everyone is here, hmm, that's odd, oh there they are, they consumed Sobe Energy beverages and are currently running up and down the street past a speed limit radar to see how fast they can run.
MR. T: That's the only energy being exhibited by the players, Q is napping in the strike zone chair, Travis Gale has jumped into the neighbor's pool and is probably drowning for all we know, Andy Deptula is on the phone with Nicole while Chris is puking, Schroth is talking with the ladies, Dan is doing handstands in the outfield, Jim Matroni is also talking to the ladies, Seth has returned and he has pictures, Jim Honda is doing much better handstands than Dan to Dan's dismay, and Drew and James are having a staring contest...riiiiight.
PETE: A few of the players have gotten back onto the field, Dan, Jim and Andy Dep are out there, but there's no one ready to hit for the Rest Of Ellington. What the hell, I'll hit.
MR. T: All right! We've got another pinch hitter here, it's going to be Pete DeOrio, the football dropout.
PETE: Hey!
MR. T: Andy Deptula pitches to Pete, who swings and misses for strike one, and the ball pegs Q in the face who was still sleeping in the chair!
Q: WHAT THE FUCK!! Why didn't you tell me we were playing again. Ass holes.
MR. T: Another swing and a miss and Pete is in the hole 0-2. You guys can't keep striking out. We have too many strikeouts. When you've got a runner on third and less than two outs, you gotta score the runner. We don't do a good enough job scoring that runner. You guys are not that good, you're not that good.
SETH: Hi guys I'm back.
MR. T: So you are.
SETH: Right. So, uh, well, Pete just got a hit I think. No one really knows because Alan went home so there was no call on the play at first.
CDEP: Pete just stand there, Andy has to hit you with the ball. He hits you, you're out, he misses you're safe, but you can't move a muscle.
MR. T: Another unique wiffleball rule comes into play here...Andy throws at Pete, and Dave Leighton dives in the way and takes one for the team!
PETE: YEAH!!!
ADEP: Hey he can't do that!
SETH: No rule against it.
CDEP: Yeah, this is like pool ball, we make up the rules as we go. From now on no one can interfere with the throw at a runner, but that one has to stand.
MR. T: So he's safe, but we still don't have a batter. Someone needs to hit!
TOMMY: I'll hit!
SETH: Aren't you injured?
TOMMY: Yeah but what the hell, if James can play injured, I can play injured.
MR. T: Once again we have a pinch hitter...
SETH: Tommy John had a great debut, he had a big game his first day at Schroth's house, but has fallen off since.
MR. T: Andy's pitch to Tom, swung on and hit to left...OVER the head of Dan and that's a base hit, two on and nobody out. We are at a lack of a hitter for the third time this inning, who's going to bat?
PETE: Mr. T.! Get up there at hit!
MR. T: Oh yeah, well it looks like the big man has been summoned to the field.
SETH: All right! Mr. Tautkus is coming to the plate to face Andy Dep with runners on first and second. Mr. T. crowds the plate slightly, but hits inside pitches really hard. Andy pitches here, inside for ball one. Inside again, and that's smacked to the tree in left, it's into the tree, where's it gonna come down?
DAN: AHHHHH!!!! I can't see it!
SETH: The ball drops and hits Dan in the face! That's a fair ball, here comes Pete around third...the throw from Dan goes haywire and lands in the neighbor's yard! The runners will move up to second and third and there's still no one out, this has been quite the adventure for Dan today.
DAN: That's it, I'm going home!
CDEP: Go then.
DAN: I'm gone.
ADEP: Don't go Dan, who's going to make me look good out here?
DAN: Shut up ass hole.
SETH: It looks like Dan is going to stay after all, and Pete is back up for The Rest Of Ellington with the score now 5-3 in the top of the fifth. Here's the pitch to Pete, grounded back to the mound, Andy steps on the pitcher's plate and he's got Tommy John being a little too overzealous off third! The throw...Tommy's been pegged! Double play! That gets Woodside out of the inning, but they're down another run, they'll have to make up two runs this inning.
MR. T: What the hell was Tom thinking? That's a rally killer right there.
PETE: Yeah no kidding, what the hell. Well we got a run, that proves we should have been playing all along.
CDEP: You guys are way funnier in the booth.
MR. T: We aren't going to play in the field though, these guys need to get off their lazy butts and finish off Woodside. Dave Leighton will take the mound with Andy Dunn and Mike Nash in the field. Leading off will be Andy Deptula.
PETE: Leighton hates facing Andy, he can't find a pitch that Andy can't hit.
MR. T: Slider way outside for ball one.
SETH: You guys wanna light off these fireworks?
SCROT: Yeah maybe if it wasn't illegeal!
MR. T: The count goes to 3-0, the pitch...grounder down the line and that'll get by Nash for a base hit. Leadoff single for Andy.
PETE: Where's James, I need to get this V-chip disconnected.
MR. T: No can do Peter, they'll take us off the air if you don't wear it.
PETE: We're not on the f....stupid air.
MR. T: In any case, Chris Schroth is at the plate now, here's the pitch, and that's knocked into right field, no chance for Dunn. Andy heads to third on the Schroth single.
PETE: They've got a nice rally going here off Leighton, Woodside is bringing their best three hitters again as Peese will hit for Dan here.
MR. T: Leighton deals, outside slider and that's batted into right field as well!
DREW: POOOFFFFF!!!!
MR. T: That scores a run and it's 5-4 with runners on first and second and still nobody out.
PETE: And Andy Deptula is coming up, he could put this game away right here.
MR. T: Leighton gets behind him again 2-0...Leighton doesn't want to pitch to him, he's gone 4-0 now...ball five...and ball six, a walk on six pitches and that will load up the bases in an Ellington wiffleball sense with runners on second and third.
LEIGHTON: I can't pitch anymore, here Drew, finish them off.
DREW: Ahhhh vite.
MR. T: We've got a pitching change here, Dunn has come in to face Chris Schroth. Dunn is a strikeout pitcher but can't seem to get a win.
PETE: He was 0-6 at one point in the season, but his era was still pretty solid.
MR. T: Two quick strikes on Schroth, a big curveball, swung on and missed! Schroth is down on three pitches, a big K for Drew!
SCROT: Doh!
MR. T: It all comes down to this, Chris Deptula steps in, runners on second and third, down by one, one out in the last inning...
NASH: Drew, you better let me pitch.
MR. T: A good move by the Rest Of Ellington, they will bring in their ace, Mike Nash, who has faired extremely well against Dep in the past.
KARYN DEPTULA: Chris! Phone! It's your girlfriend.
CDEP: Ahhh, I gotta take that. (runs inside)
ADEP: What?! You idiot you gotta hit!
MR. T: Oh know! Woodside has just lost the league's leading hitter to a phone call from his girlfriend!
PETE: He is so whipped!
MR. T: According to the rules, there is only one man who can hit for Chris now...Dan Bedard!
DAN: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NASH: Haha! Drew you can pitch now, you don't need me to get Dan out.
MR. T: Dan's struggles today have been well documented, 0-2 with a strikeout, he pitched to three batters and gave up three homeruns, he took a fly ball off the face and proceeded to throw the ball into the neighbor's yard, and to add insult to injury Dunn is coming back in to pitch against Dan.
PETE: Well hold on Mr. Tautkus, Dan has spotted something in the right field stands...
MR. T: Yes, it appears to be Larrissa Pippen holding up a sign. Can you read what it says Peter?
PETE: It says, "DAN, HIT A HOMER NOW AND WE'LL HIT A HOMER LATER".
MR. T: Whoa, a lot of pressure on Big Country now, but he seems more focused than ever.
PETE: You're not kidding, he has a look of determination...
MR. T: Here's the pitch from Dunn, three feet outside, but Dan swings and clobberes it to deep center! That ball is way back, way back, and OVER THE BARN! Dan just put another ball into the neighbor's yard, but this time it was hit! Woodside wins! Woodside wins! Dan Bedard is the hero!
PETE: Man, I'd like to spy on Dan's dorm room when Larrissa goes up to visit him this weekend...
MR. T: What a finish! Woodside Acres has beaten the Rest Of Ellington 7-5 on Dan Bedard's three-run homer in the bottom of the fifth.
JIM MATRONI: Who wants to get Chinese?
EVERYONE: Yeah!!
MR. T: Well Jim has whipped out the Big Tang menu, all the players and fans have returned and united in their quest to get $90 worth of Chinese food in 10 minute, and a great wiffleball all-star game is in the books. For Pete DeOrio, Seth Finnicum, and the Ellington Wiffleball League, I'm Keith Tautkus. Thanks for watching.