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EWL 2002 Season
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There have been some violent
feuds throughout the wiffleball season...ok I really can't think of any but everyone has been pissed at one time or another during the season. The players of the Ellington Wiffleball League have decided to take it out on each other on the battlefield.That's right, the mighty English, with the Tautkus Family in rule, is lead by their fearless leader, King Keith III, known to his men as Keith the Conqueror. The valiant French serve the Guerin Family and their courageous leader King Robert VII, known to his subjects as Robert the Great. These two kings have gathered their 10 best warriors and have sailed across the ocean to the cow fields of Ellington in order to determine who the are finest fighters in the world.
The armies are currently camped and are preparing their battle strategy. The Ellington Wiffleball League website will have exclusive coverage of this historic event, so check back here often to get all the latest details.
 KING ROBERT GUERIN VII (ROBERT THE GREAT)  SIR CHRISTIAN SENGER (CHRISTIAN THE QUICK)  SIR ALAN BERGQUIST (ALAN THE BARBARIC)  SIR ANDREW LAWERENCE DUNN (ANDREW THE LAZY)  SIR HENRY BERGQUIST (HENRY THE FEEBLE)  SIR JAMES ANGELO GUERIN (JAMES THE OVERZEALOUS  SIR DAVID KLUCZWSKI (DAVID THE POLISH)  SIR CHRISTOPHER NASH (CHRISTOPHER THE PASTY)  SIR JAMES HONDA (JIMMY THE INCREDIBLE)  SIR CHRISTOPHER THOMAS DEPTULA (CHRISTOPHER THE SHY)  SIR TRAVIS GALE (TRAVIS THE LIONHEARTED) |
 KING KEITH TAUTKUS III (KEITH THE CONQUEROR)  SIR THOMAS SCHALL (THOMAS THE METALLIC)  SIR JEFFREY WASIELEWSKI (JEFFREY THE NAKED)  SIR PETER RAYMOND WILLIAM DEORIO (PETER THE PREMATURE)  SIR MICHAEL DAVID NASH (MICHAEL THE SCRUFFY)  SIR DAVID SCOTT LEIGHTON (DAVID THE SHADY)  SIR JOHN ANDREW DEPTULA (ANDREW THE SENSELESS)  SIR SETH FINNICUM (SETH THE BEGINNER)  SIR DANIEL SCOTT BEDARD (DANIEL THE BLONDE)  SIR CHRISTOPHER SCHROTH (CHRISTOPHER THE HAWAIIAN)  MADAM MICHELLE CURL (MICHELLE THE DEFENDER) |
The armies had been marching for about 7 and a half minutes, until the French army cut off the English army. Historical accounts of the pre-battle events suggest that each side took several hours in preparing itself for the inevitable attack. James the Overzeaulous had to shave, David the Shady was learning "Feel Like Making Love" by Bad Company on guitar in hopes of stopping the battle, and of course Andrew the lazy needed to take a nap. Finally Robert the Great taunted Andrew the Lazy with several audio porn clips on his portable music playing contraption and "drew" him to the battlefield (that's a pun). The following accounts were made by spectators of the battle, those who were there but not actually participating. Enjoy the medieval battle...how medieval it is is for you to decide...
THE CHARGE
as transcribed by Mrs. Guerin
Hey guys! How's it goooooooin'? Good.... Well I don't like this idea of there being a battle, especially with my Bobby leading the troops. I think everyone should just come over our house and go swimming and have a picnic, we have all the food. But Bobby tells me that it has to be done, so we're gonna kick some but! So here's how the battle started. The rumor is...now I don't want to point any fingers, and I didn't see it all myself, but...I guess Peter the Premature was preparing himself across the battlefield, and David the Polish and Andrew the Lazy were imitating his every move. Of course Peter did not appreciate this, so Michelle the Defender tried to calm him down. However, David the Polish and Andrew the Lazy just imitated his rage and Peter charged through the battlefield screaming words that I most certainly cannot repeat. Me and Peter are going to have a little talk after this. Thinking that it was a charge, the rest of the French boys ran after King Tautkus. I ran out onto the battlefield and tried to stop everyone, my boy Travis stopped to talk to me! We had a nice little chat. But Everyone else was running, and since Peter the Premature isn't the quickest knight for the French, he was not the first to collide with the two boys who were supposedly taunting him.THE CLASH OF ANDREW THE LAZY AND ANDREW THE SENSELESS
as transcribed by Sir James Matroni
These guys were bizarre. Two Andrews?! C'mon. I ordered some Chinese for all these guys, and even though it cost 150 bucks, it will still be done in "10 minute." So what I'm trying to say is that this was the only battle I watched before I picked up my General Tso's. Anywho, me and Andy had just gotten back from painting a school in six hours that would have taken last year's paint crew six days. We took several hour long breaks too. As for Drew, that lazy bum never did anything for me so he was lucky that Andy was good and tired, while Drew's nap put him at full energy. What bascially happened was I sort of brought the mob in to take care of Drew, but my handwriting was so bad that they could only siphon "Andrew D." out of it. They picked the first Andrew D. off the list of participents and that was Deptula, so the mob comes in and sends some girls in thongs that they found at the beach (the paint crew should know who put the blanket down next to them) as a distraction, and while everyone was looking at them poor Dep gets covered in a potato sack and hauled off without anyone even seeing and before the two even started fighting.THE SCRAP OF CHRISTOPHER THE PASTY AND MICHAEL THE SCRUFFY
as transcribed by Sir Wayne Campbell from Wayne's World
Two brothers battling for no apparent reason...excellent! You see, there was this Christopher the Pasty, and he was like Stacy. And then there was Michael the Scruffy, and he was like Casandra. Everyone knew that Stacy is a psycho hose beast and we broke up three months ago, which means that we can't still go out. What am I gonna do with a gun rack? And Casandra, shwing!, is a mega-babe, she's baberaham lincoln, was the one everyone knew was gonna win in the end...zang! Christopher the Pasty was dressed in all his medieval armor and had a sword and everything, but Michael the Scruffy dropped his weapon and charged after Christopher. They brawled on the ground until Michael took off Christopher's sneakers. Michael tried to powerbomb Christopher...from that height he could really hauck a luggy...but Christopher was too squiggly. It didn't matter though because Michael beat Christopher to death with his own shoes.
THE STRUGGLE OF JAMES THE OVERZEALOUS AND JEFFRY THE NAKED
as transcribed by Madam Jessica Pike
Ohmygod!! Two of my favorite boys in the world were fighting! I got James all pumped up before the battle by taking him into one of the tents they slept in and saying goodbye, if you know what I mean. But I think I'm just gonna go tell everyone that there is nothing between us and nothing happened. Yeah. So these boys were poking each other with sticks that they found on the ground. Then these aliens came flying down and did anal probes to both of them and put on Sandstorm by Da Rude and had a foam party right on the battlefield...no wait, that's not what happened...hold on I gotta think...ok so maybe there weren't any aliens, but there were sticks, and Sandstorm was definitely on. Then I forgot what happened, and then some more stuff happened, and then I think I remember the next part. Yeah, I do. Jeff was trying to run away from James cause Jeff told James that his sister was hot. James finally caught Jeff but didn't really know what to do with him, so they decided to go to take a run down to DB Mart and buy some Adrenaline Sobe. So they got back and had way too much energy and were wearing headbands and wifebeaters and just started wrestling or something. They got all dirty and sweaty and James was sooooooo hot, but James is the only person that I would tell that to. Finally James had Jeff in a headlock started jiving to Sandstorm and I think it really hurt Jeff cause he gave up. But I think Jeff really just gave up cause he wanted to dance to Sandstorm too. I love you guys! You're so funny!THE COLLISION OF CHRISTOPHER THE SHY AND THOMAS THE METALLIC
as transcribed by Sir Matthew Dunn
Now let's be realistic for a minute. We've got one guy who likes good music, that being Thomas, as he likes Metallica. But Mr. Peese and his "Geggy Tah" crap and Michael Jackson and whatever else he likes, should not even be allowed to be here. That's just rawhide. They were fighting with wiffleball bats, I guess the deal was that whoever could nail the other guy in the groin first was the winner. I was still grounded after Ryan Tully got me in trouble so I had to stay low as Larry was at the battle, so I couldn't see a whole lot. I did hear a battle between boomboxes though. Peese said that he could be more pumped up if he had his music on, but he put on Our Lady Peace...what the hell is that? That might prop up the spirits of a 93-year old man, but otherwise it's just depressing. So Tom put on One by Metallica and was ready to go, but Peese changed his CD and put on In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel and was trying to convince everyone that version was better than the Jeffrey Gaines acoustic version. Since everyone else was fighting their own brawls, no one kicked Peese's ass. Tom went over to change the Metallica song, but Peese snuck up behind him. When Tom turned around, Peese drilled him in the groin with a homerun swing and put Tom out of commission. It was a disappointing day in the world of music. Now only if Geggy Tah could cheat to get more than three fans.THE QUARREL OF CHRISTIAN THE QUICK AND MICHELLE THE DEFENDER
as transcribed by Larrissa Pippin (she ain't no madam)
Hey I ain't no madam?! What's that supposed to mean? I'll kick yo ass brotha. My doggs Christian and Mich were gonna duke it out but Christian feels bad tackling his own friends in a football game, I can't imagine how he feels having to beat up a girl. So I guess that's why he just started tickling Mich instead, and they got into a tickling war. First Christian had her pinned down but Mich is jacked and she threw Christian off and started getting him back, but Christian was too fast and ran away. Michelle should have definitely just given Christian a good kick to the groin or maybe a slap in the ass or something but just kept laughing for no reason and making Christian laugh and it was pretty fuckin' boring. Since I have no attention span I stopped watching for awhile, but when I got back from doing something, just like I did Christian's dad, they were rolling around kind of fighting but not really. It was hard to tell, there was just a lot of laughing. Eventually Mich rolled over her arm the wrong way and hurt her wrist and couldn't tickle Christian anymore so she had to give up, and my dogg Christian won.
eds. note: leave it to Larrissa to be the first person to curse (not like it was her fault).
THE DIFFERENCE OF OPINION OF JAMES THE INCREDIBLE AND DANIEL THE BLONDE
as transcribed by Sir Raymond Bedard
Hey hey boys, how's it goin'? Just got back from a little golf outing, thought I'd check out the action. I have to get back to my house soon though cause the guys are coming over to play some drunken cards and tell racially insensitive jokes while we watch football. So Danny-boy is fighting Big Jimmy? Jim is one hell of a soccer player, but since Dan was an MVP sweeper he should supposedly be able to stop Jim. Of course Jim's team this year won more games after their first 3 games than Dan's team did in the whole season. In any case, these two chumps were fighting with pool cues, and the rule was whatever body part got hit by a pool stick you couldn't use anymore. Of course like and idiot Dan brought Excalibur. Jim is the much quicker and agile of the two, they don't call Dan "Big Country" for nothing, but Dan managed to knock off both of Jim's legs. Of course since Dan is blonde he started taunting Jim by saying "what are ya gonna do, bleed on me?" and Jim's ragin' Asian meter hit 10 out of 10 and he sliced Dan off at the waist. I really hope that I didn't give Dan his common sense, I'll blame that one on Laura's side of the family.THE SPAR OF ALAN THE BARBARIC AND CHRISTOPHER THE HAWAIIAN
as transcribed by Sir Pauly Shore
I was out looking for some purple sticky punch when I saw this battle going on. I know what you're thinking, illegal, illegal, but the long-term benefits of purple sticky punch will make everyone happy. Hawaii reminds me of when we had to free mahi mahi! Free mahi mahi! So these two guys were just slugging it out with verbal insults about each other's moms. Then they started verbally abusing me about how bad of an actor I am, except luckily all the Bio-Dome fans supported me. They decided to battle using mine and Stephen Baldwin's action figures from Bio-Dome, anatomically correct of course. But Alan was on the defense too much; he was thinking globally, he needed to start thinking locally. Chris was using the Bud action figure which was way better and Doyle just got his ass kicked. How is he supposed to hit a double birdie with the shower iron? He was embarrassed in front of all his friends.THE STRUGGLE OF DAVID THE POLISH AND DAVID THE SHADY
as transcribed by Robert St. Cloud (Q's roommate)
Yo there's a battle going on here? Fo' real? Yo this is Rob and I wuz passed out on my bed and skippin' classes when I heard there was a big fight goin' on and I couldn't miss it. So my man Dave was fightin' this other wicked shady guy from UConn that's also named Dave that plays guitar or somethin'. I hear Q is pretty nasty at basketball, my brothas was like yo man, you play for your school or somethin'? you nasty man. But I could whip that po' little white boy's ass at street ball any day. So they's was sumo wrestlin' or something like that cause they were standing there doing a lot of stomping around and had their shirts all stuffed wit pillows. They nailed each other but Dave had better balance than Q plus he was screaming bloody murder and really throwin' Q off his game. Q couldn't stop laughing at Dave's face, it was a pretty sick intense look. Dave finally pushed Q down onto the ground and jumped on him and gave him an elbow drop and stuff. Q was out of it, Dave just came ready to play and Q needs to go ask Caron Butler how to get pumped up for a big game.THE BATTLE OF HENRY THE FEEBLE AND PETER THE PREMATURE
as compiled by Chris Deptula
Anything having to do with Peter the Premature was well documented. He was possibly the most
charismatic warrior of the time. There are many accounts of his epic battle with Henry the Feeble. These two were not bitter enemies, but Peter had been provoked to the extreme in this great battle. The sources all agree that Peter was taunted by the French, as they insisted that Peter was French Canadian and that he was fighting for the wrong side. The sources do conflict however, on his brawl with Henry the Feeble. Arriving late in the charge, Henry was one of the final warriors not engaged in battle. Peter did not have a weapon, but his Italian rage was simply out of control. It is unclear if he struck Henry with his fist, head, foot, or some other body part, but we do know that Henry was left in a bloody heap after one swing by Peter the Premature. However, in an effort to seek out exactly those who had been taunting him, Peter was able to calm down and regain his sanity for the moment. It is unclear why Peter left Henry the Feeble alone after one quick strike, so other sources' information seems more likely. Henry was a very smart warrior, but not a very talented fighter. It is believed that as he lay on the ground with Peter preparing for another attack, Henry told Peter that his trooper had been tipped over by a gang of nomads, causing Peter to run from the battlefield. If this is the case, it only further provoked Peter's anger for when he returned to the battlefield after the initial attack.THE SCRAP OF TRAVIS THE LIONHEARTED AND SETH THE "BEGIN"NER
as transcribed by Sir Lincoln C. Almond, governor of Rhode Island
Hi, this is Lincoln Almond, and I am excited to tell you of the battle between Travis the Lionhearted and Seth the BEGINner, but first I'd like to tell you about some great things in our wonderful state of Rhode Island. We may be the smallest state, but look at all the great things we have: houses, buses, a governor, some people even have cars, and the Pony Express delivered a letter to my shack today that said that someone even got electricity! And we're not only all run-down industrial complexes like you see on the train and in Providence. No-sir! We have a CVS in Providence now, and of course the University of Rhode Island is the most kick-ass place on the planet. As for the fight, the two gentlemen were trying to drink each other under the table. I assume that it was soda that they were drinking but I was rather far from the battle and couldn't really tell. Apparently both men were up-and-comers in the drinking world, drinking of soda and other non-alcoholic beverages that is, and it was a pretty intense fued. Travis was "pounding" his sixth can when the effects seemed to really be kicking in as he tumbled to the ground. Seth took the lead with a seventh beverage and looked fairly strong, he must have been doing a lot of practicing. Travis the Lionhearted tried to complete a seventh, but he was overcome by the urge to purge, and
vomited all over the battlefield. It must have been from all the carbonation. Seth the BEGINner was declared the winner.The battle continued, with the warriors all finding a warrior from the other side to fight. Five French warriors remained and five English warriors remained, as both Kings looked on with anxiety and excitment at the battle. Mrs. Guerin was extremely worried about what happened to Andy so her and Mr. Matroni were off looking for him...
THE ENCOUNTER OF CHRISTIAN THE QUICK AND PETER THE PREMATURE
as transcribed by Sir Anthony Litizzio (T-Bone)
How you doin'? Aight sos we gots this fight between my hahd working boy Christian and this Italian French guy Peter. Let me tell you a little
story first. There was this guy that worked for me about, oh, four years ago, and, you see, he didn't exactly have the attitude we was lookin' for. I guess he started painting things he shouldn't have, and leavin' work a little bit early, and writing death threats to the janitors, and calling me T-Bone, an' pretty soon I started getting these complaints from the janitors. Now you know that we had to let this guy go. I don't want any of you screwin' up like that cause we'll let you go. I don't care if I knows your mom, or if you worked me before, of that I'm your fatha', we're gonna let you go. Sos these guys were fighting and I guess this Peter fellow wasn't the smartest guy cause he didn't have a weapon. He was just chasing after Christian for like, I dunno, an hour. Of course Christian is faster than this guy so Peter gets real tired and starts calling him names. Now let me tell you a little story. This guy one time started calling me names, and you know that we don't deal with racial or sexual abuse here. So for just $500 I had him put in a rug and dropped into the Hudson. Christian doesn't quite have the contacts that I do, but he did the next best thing: he started humping Peter's Trooper. That poor cah just gets picked on all the time. Anyway, Peter just lost it like Italians are known to do and he got in his cah and tried to run over Christian. Fortunately for Christian he through a brook and Peter just crashed the Trooper into the water and was done for the battle.THE SKIRMISH OF JAMES THE INCREDIBLE AND SETH THE "BEGIN"NER
as transcribed by Madam Michelle Curl
Even though I lost the first battle I wanted to stick around and watch all the guys fight. I watched these guys cause I love Jimmy, I was the one who voted for him for MVP. (eds. note: not Dave? that hurts man) So these guys found those huge boxing gloves like they had at UConn and at the graduation party and they put on the helmets and stuff and were ready to fight. But out of nowhere Dan came running back cause he loves those things and wanted to use them, and since Jim beat him in the first part of the battle Dan wanted to get back at him so he grabbed Seth's gloves. Jimmy is incredible and everything but he's still pretty small and Dan started pounding him. But Jimmy said "Jimmy's ragin' Asian meter is a 10 out of 10" and started fighting back good. But Dan had all the strategy down and knocked Jimmy down a few times and really nailed him in the face good. Jimmy got too tired to go on and he eventually gave up. It wasn't really fair but I guess Jimmy lost and Seth can keep fighting.THE COMBAT OF ANDREW THE LAZY AND CHRISTOPHER THE HAWAIIAN
as transcribed by Amanda Schroth
Humph! Chris wouldn't let me play fighting! I'm gonna just stand here and watch Chris get beat up! Daddy asked him if he knew where he was, and Chris said no, so Daddy said ok, keep an eye on her. What happened was that Chris said I couldn't play with them so I just stood in the middle of them and the hairy guy Andrew said that I could play with him so we wrestled and I knocked him down and I farted on his face. Then he said he wouldn't play anymore and it looked like he was barfing. Ewww! So Chris won........BAWHAHAHAHA.......Amanda Schroth....a.k.a. me!! THE DEVIL! THE ANTI-CHRIST! I have hidden myself in the body of this innocent child, who is obviously not so innocent. I have wreaked havoc on the teenagers of Ellington, and soon it will be the whole world!!!! BAWHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!THE CONFRONTATION OF JAMES THE OVERZEALOUS AND DAVID THE SHADY
as transcribed by Sir Garth Algar from Wayne's World
Wow, this is like bigger than a regular battle. What's that girl? James and Dave were abducted by aliens? Oh, James and Dave are outside. This field is a fully fuctional babe-lair, let's go take a look. James the Overzealous and David the Shady were out there living in the now and ran down to the airport near the field and were laying under the planes to see who could get the closest without getting hit and pondering if Bugs Bunny was attractive when he dressed up like a girl bunny. But one time, Dave got too close and he started running but he tripped and he fell on his keys, ow. James ran over to him and reached accross his body and grabbed him by his big fat head and said listen man! I'm not going to jail for you or anybody! And Dave said that he was gonna be frank so James asked if he could still be James. So Dave said take me and James asked where? he was low on gas and Dave needed a jacket. Dave said that he would pay James for the gas but James said that was sad, it's like people only do things because they get paid. Then James realized that it was the Scooby-Do ending and he pulled off Dave's mask and it was really Old Man Withers from the haunted amusement park, and Dave had completely disappeared. That's pretty shady if you ask me. I don't have much to say. What's that? Ahhhhhhhhh!!THE FRACAS OF CHRISTOPHER THE SHY AND MICHAEL THE SCRUFFY
as transcribed by Madam Jessica Begin
It's my two brothas fighting it out. Mike wanted to fight over me but Chris knew that he didn't have a chance so he just asked if I would pick one of them but I wasn't drunk so I wasn't interested in guys. They started showing me how macho they were and I acted impressed but the Somers guy from Overlook was there so I was really watching him. Eventually they started finger fencing to see who would win, and it went on forever, but Mike finally hit Chris in the leg with his finger and won. They didn't really care who won or lost and we all sipped some mead after and had a good time. And it was really funny cause after I had the mead I Seth came over and asked if I thought he was a loser. I think he was having some mead too.The fighting had been fierce, the crowd growing large, men were falling fast, ever since the first charge. France was behind, but not by much, their warriors were strong, and good in the clutch. Someone would get a rest, not engaging in battle, he can wonder the fields, and tip some cattle. Let us continue, with more of the fight, and a word from our sponsor, Barq's has bite.
THE CONTENTION OF CHRISTIAN THE QUICK AND SETH THE "BEGIN"NER
as transcribed by Alicia Meyer
Well I am very honored to be bringing you this fight. Both these men were very capable of defeating one another in this fight, but unfortunately only one person can win. It was a psychological battle of rock, paper, scissors, best out of three. They say it's a game of luck, but is it really? Seth guaranteed victory or he would have to streak across the battlefield. Christian guaranteed victory or he would have to kiss every girl at the battle. The first draw was Seth with a rock, a bold choice. Christian put out one finger, which he claimed to be a pencil and that Seth won. The second game, with Seth up one to zero, Seth pulled rock again, hoping to draw another pencil. But Christian was too smart for Seth and came with paper. However, Christian claimed that this was not paper; it was in fact a glass window, which the rock easily shatters, making Seth the victor! Christian seemed distraught, claiming that he took one for the team. Did Christian lose on purpose? Did he actually want to kiss all those girls? Or did he really not want to see Seth naked? That is one great thing about history, we will never know...
THE BRUTALITY OF JAMES THE OVERZEALOUS AND MICHAEL THE SCRUFFY
as transcribed by Sir David Kluczwski
Ahhhhhhh rite! Summatiemsa you just gotta grab a hold of the action and twist it around. Ejamesa and Nash were paired off in a battle of epic proportions...you might say as big of a battle as when the Eagles and the Giants square off at the Vet. So Nash just started pounding James. Holy shit Nash! What the hell was he doing? He was ripping James apart! Nash had this one in hand, but all of a sudden, America's hero emerged from the woods...a 6'2" shadow appeared, with number 9 on his back and a championship gleam in his eye...it was none other than Jay Fiedler! He gripped the football in his hands with perfect delicacy, preparing for a throw. He dropped back several steps, and let a bullet go; it was incredible velocity with a perfect spiral, heading right for it's intended target. The ball nailed Nash right in the side of the head, and it was thrown with such force that it instantly knocked Nash unconscious. Jay Fiedler had thwarted Nash on his way to Super Bowl XXXVI. What an unbelievable performance.Christopher the Hawaiian did not have to pair off this time around, so he got some valuble rest. James the Overzealous was the last remaining representative from France, besides his own father. Those watching the battle were getting somewhat weary, but the Chinese food arrived and everyone rejoyced. Lo mein and wanton soup was had by all, except those still engaged in battle...
THE TESTICULAR FORTITUDE OF JAMES THE OVERZEALOUS AND CHRISTOPHER THE HAWAIIAN
as transcribed by Sir Patrick Harrington
NOMAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! It is still being spread throughout the school. Hello Pattywagon, so nice to see you! Patrick Harrington here with the latest Ellington battle action. While I do not condone the travesty of a sport they call soccer, that was what James and Scrot were doing. They played a game called snot, except that they skipped the part where you have to kick it off the wall and they are just kicking the ball at each other. At first they kicked it at each other's asses, and these soccer studs were so good that they actually hit each other a couple of times. It couldn't have hurt that much, they were just pussies. Since these were the only guys still fighting, the whole crowd convinced them to turn around and put their hands behind their heads...now we're getting somewhere. So they were kicking, and Chris nailed James right in the face and I laughed my ass off. So did Chris. But James got a broken nose. Serves him right for being a Yankees fan. Nomahhhh!!!!!!!!!! But James put on one of those clear plastic face guards for his nose and kept playing. He drilled Chris in the stomach and I laughed again, but Mrs. Guerin was all concerned. She is psycho mom. But Chris was fine and he showed everyone his tan line and they kept going. James kept missing by a mile so he got mad and took off his mask. The next shot, guess where it hit Chris? Square in the screws. Everyone thought James had it won, but all of a sudden his nose started bleeding again. Mrs. Guerin freaked out and came running down with towels and band-aids and laxitives and garbage bags and who knows what else. She dragged James off by the ear to take him to the hospital, and even though Chris was laying on the ground practically crying. He won. Nomahhhhh!!!!!THE BACKSTABBING OF SETH THE "BEGIN"NER AND CHRISTOPHER THE HAWAIIAN
as transcribed by Sir Peter DeOrio and King Keith Tautkus III
This is Pete and I just want to say that everyone is going to pay very, very dearly for what happened to my Trooper! That thing was invicible.
Peter, this is a historical account, you can't say stuff like that.
I can say whatever the hell I want old man! You're Mr. big shot king, why don't you go screw some peasants while they try to poke you with sticks and torches?
Actually I just want to talk about what happened in this fight, it's quite interesting.
Very well your baldness.
These two gentlemen were two of my own, fighting for the English. They had defeated every French warrior except for King Robert. There didn't seem to be any hard feelings, but then Seth said something to Chris.
Yeah that little Jew-boy can get on your nerves sometimes. I think he made a comment about not wanting to see Chris's tanline anymore, and Chris kept showing it to him.
Yes, that was the rumor.
Goddamnit that wasn't a rumor I know it for a fact. Are you patronizing me Santa Claus?
Peter, why are you so disgruntled all the time?
I'm not, everyone just thinks I am. 99% of the time I am as normal as the guy sitting next to me...not referring to you of course.
Thank you Peter. Anyway, so Chris is mooning Seth so Seth picked up a rock and nailed Chris right on the behind with the rock. So now pretty much all of Chris's extremities were in pain. Pretty soon they were brawling.
Yeah but Chris was still winded from the shot he took to the screws from James so Seth was actually beating him good.
But then my favorite middle-linebacker had to show up and pull a stunt to help his buddy Chris.
Friggin' Jeff shows up and whips out his penis and shows it to Seth. What the fuck, we don't want to see that!
Peter, language. We don't want to have to use the v-chip again.
Fuck the v-chip! This is supposed to be medieval times, there wasn't no v-chip back then.
(eds. note: Pete was no longer asked to contribute after this point)
Obviously Seth was extremely repulsed by what he saw, but since Chris was so used to Jeff's nudity he was able to take it, and it took his mind off everything else that hurt. Jeff started chasing Seth around with his unit hanging out and that's when everyone started running and the battle was pretty much over at that point. Christopher the Hawaiian was the winner.
THE EPIC CONFRONTATION OF KING KEITH III AND KING ROBERT VII
as compiled by Chris Deptula
I would just like to conclude this medieval battle by describing this epic confrontation. As history and the coin flip goes, King Robert supposedly extracted revenge against King Keith for having his army defeated at this battle. However, what really happened was that King Keith invited everyone over to his castle to enjoy some carbonated mead and a wiffleball game. Two opposing nations were able to come together and get medieval on each other in wiffleball rather than a violent battle. Andy was recovered at the last minute from the Hudson, Pete's Trooper was salvaged, as were James's nose and Chris's screws, the girls were hopefully not insulted for being indirectly teased during this battle, and in general this battle just made the Ellington Wiffleball League stronger as a community. Believe it or not, Jess Pike made a very good observation. Yeah I'm still trying to figure that one out too. We don't have a single picture of the whole wiffleball group. The picture up there is about the best I could do. Everyone was there on the day of the prom, why the hell didn't we get the whole group? The only group pictures we have are of winning teams, how sorry is that? That is definitely something we need to work on getting taken care of when we play wiffleball in the snow over Christmas break. Well so much for not breaking kayfabe, for anyone who doesn't know what that means I was trying to keep the medieval historical account thing going but I broke out of character. Everyone have fun, no matter what school you're at, everyone misses everyone else to some extent, but in any case, keep it real. Peace out for now.